Lived Experience Forum

[Captain24]

So everything I touched today turned to sh*t. What could go wrong did go wrong! 
My back pain is out of control. I did the housework including ironing and unpacking the dishwasher. Also I have dinner on.

The mechanic didn’t ring back so I guess there is more wrong with my car than just not starting! 

But through it all I took everything in my stride! It didn’t rattle me at all. 

Im so proud of myself!! 

[TuxedoCat]

@Captain24, I'm so glad to hear that you're proud of yourself ❤️ 

It's a worthy achievement!!!!

Was there anything you did differently? 

[Captain24]

Nothing different @TuxedoCat.

I just feel good. Not to good though lol.

I feel like I’ve turned the corner. It’s like I’m actually stable. It’s an awesome feeling. Like I have control of myself. I know I still have a really long way to go and there will be ups and downs. But I think I have finally found myself. 

Normally days like today would push me over the edge but I just dealt with everything as it was thrown at me. 

It feels really good! 

[TuxedoCat]

@Captain24, I can read in your words how special this is ❤️ 

I'm proud of you too dear friend! 

[Captain24]

Thank you @TuxedoCat.

My team and medication has helped. But I think the biggest contributing factor is you guys on here. You all showed me that you can get through the hard times! 

Thank you to all of you @TuxedoCat @tyme @FloatingFeather @hanami @amber22 @Sunshineandsea @Paperdaisy 

At least when I stumble, which I know I will, I know that I can get back up again and that life can be good. 

[TuxedoCat]

I'll make sure to pass that on, but I know you had it in you all along ❤️ You've worked very hard @Captain24 

[Paperdaisy]

It's all you! @Captain24 💝 🤗

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , I thought I'd better answer here. 

I'm glad to hear that your not-so-good-start ended up to be a good day 🙂 It just happens like that sometimes, doesn't it.

Thinking about your posts, do you think being with your parents is a trigger? I'm just thinking to the times when you get upset at things they say or things they do. Have you ever spoken to your treating team about this? I'm only curious. No need to respond if you are not comfortable to.

As for my day - I really can't complain. It is what it is. I didn't have the best evening, so I was a bit headachy in the morning - but the day panned out quite pleasant.

tyme

[Captain24]

Im glad your day ended up ok @tyme. I now get how you can just face the challenges as they arise! 

My parents are a massive trigger! They stuffed things up for me yesterday and annoyed me again tonight but I could handle it. I’m sure they will go through my stuff tomorrow. They need to get their own life and stay out of mine. If my head space is not ok then that’s when they completely derail me.

They were quite difficult parents when I was a child. I actually blame them for my MI. My psychiatrist has called my childhood cold and unpleasant. My team know it’s an issue but they don’t want to start sorting through it until I’m stable. My nurse tried to work on it and I ended up in a really bad place that night. The psychiatrist asked me some of the things from growing up. I told her that mum said she hated us and was going to send us away and never wanted to see as again. Then she didn’t want to know anymore! 

[tyme]

I guess for me, knowing where the trauma came from was all that was needed @Captain24  - Is it necessary to tackle it, especially right now? I can't answer that.

For me, i had to accept it. I heard it again and again, but I couldn't accept that my cold parents were the root of my attachment issues - after all, they loved me and I loved them...right?

Whatever it was, my childhood experiences were certainly considered the cause of my C-PTSD. Do I blame my parents? Not really - they were simply doing what they could because they didn't know any better? 

Hence, I have severe attachment issues. It's taken a lot of work to learn to socialise in healthy ways - and I'm still learning.

I feel I'm not at an age where I make the choice whether to stay a certain way, or to make a change. I stayed 'stagnant' for a LONG time...... I couldn't bear it anymore 😞

Bottom line, there is hope no matter what has happened. Cling to that hope.