Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

@Acacia I'm here, thanks for checking in.. Appreciate it.

@Last-Lament I'm... lost for words. I'm really grateful you've come across my post and shared with me. Such kindness and compassion... Very... nice... thank you. Very much.

I think that might be good, to talk about sometime. To try and talk about. There's a few things feom the past, different people, different times, different situations. It's been on my mind a lot today. Most of what I wrote out this morning had to do with that. Just pouring out of me. All the confusion, frustration... I'm watching a movie tonight, drinking a hot tea which is actually quite comforting. It's an older movie, Sleepers. A good fit for me tonight and everything that's running through my tired and sore head.

Yes, the lamb, the repetition of behaviours we learn from our "caregivers". Yep. Another ugly and dark box I have sitting here staring at me--and a good example of the reasons why I don't feel I deserve kindness. Because I was a lot like them, I didn't learn the things I was meant to, I didn't get the love I needed. I followed right in those footsteps until my son was born. Like a switch flipped I realised the way I'd been treated wasn't normal, and the way I'd been behaving all throughout my life wasn't ok. I think about this a lot too. The mistakes I made, the times when I was so lost and angry, the times when all I knew was anger. Very bad times in life they were.

I had planned to collect some pine slabs today for a shelving project I had in mind. But I haven't ventured out of the house today. Decided perhaps being around the circular saw isn't a great idea right now. But truthfully, I just can't find the joy in any of it at the moment. All the hobbies and interests feel more like chores to me. It's all beyond my capabilities at the moment. Probably missed out on that nice timber though, such a shame.

Thanks again for your kind response @Last-Lament and I'm managing better tonight--thanks to not having any alcohol I suspect. But I'm not going to lie, it's very hard stopping myself

[Last-Lament]

Rest well @saltandpepper  when you do. 

One day, one hour, one ;minute at a time, it's all we can do. 

Each time you stop the behaviour you wish you wouldn't carry out is a win for you. A kindness you have done for yourself to fill the kindness hole you feel from others not being kind to you.

Hang in there as well as you can. There will be more lovely planks of wood to do your shelving project, and what a good project it sounds like too. Nighttime hand workings are the things I need to keep my mind focussed on something different from the thoughts I wish I didn't think. 

Have you thought of any night time projects that might occupy your mind/ thoughts to head them off at the pass before they get through the gate and settle in? 

If you like learning, Udemy has lots of free courses you can sign up for and do at  your own pace too. All sorts of things. They have paid stuff too, but lots of free stuff. I haven't been there for ages so it may have changed a bit. 

Rest well.

[saltandpepper]

@Last-Lament Ha, true, there will always be more. Besides, the shed is a disaster anyway, would need to organise that before starting a new project.

My nights tend to be sitting on the couch watching a bit of netflix and having a drink. If I can get the motivation together I do a bit of work, edit photos or whatever. But not so much lately.

I generally am pretty busy with work. However, I've taken a step back from it since my partner left. I actually have a stack of clients waiting to hear back from me which is terrible. Can't get my shit together enough to deal with that just yet. Ugh. Nothing ever stops does it, when we need to take a break and check out the world keeps going.

Hmm, I used to write a lot, fiction. Used to do that for years to help cope with everything but it started going the other way. Started getting triggered by my own friggen stories. Ha.

What are you up to this evening @Last-Lament 

[Last-Lament]

Glad to hear you have things to keep you occupied, even if you cannot get to them just yet. haha, I know how that can be, unfortunately. 

Oh my, I completely understand about the writing! I write fiction too, and it always has some part of me and things that have happened to me in it in some way, embellished to protect the guilty, but still, the reminders and the triggering sometimes ugh. I started writing a different genre to see if I could bypass that, but can't seem to find the end to this current story. I really need to finish some more of my stories and publish them. 

Today has been one of the best days I've had for some time, so that has been a really good thing for mel. Thank you for asking about me. The usual nausea and pain levels have been less of a burden today, for some reason, perhaps because it is cooler here than it has been for some time. 

I managed to get a few small niggling little tasks that were weighing on my mind completed and ticked off today too, so that made me feel much better. Cleaned the outside table of detritus and mold, collected the neighbour's mail and put it in a safe place for her to collect when she comes home, watered the plants I put in the itsy bitsy garden to stop the other neighbour from parking wheelie bins that stop me from getting to my mailbox  there. Replied to some emails, had a win with a supermarket about an incorrect refund and placed an order for my meds with my pharmacy. 

Tongight I have cooked, and eaten, a lovely meal, teriyaki chicken wings and potato chips, with home made pickled cucumber and celery, so that was nice to have. I made the pickles weeks ago and just had not bothered to open them. I eat late, and dessert time is now, so I'm having another icecream tonight while I watch an episode or 2 of one of my latest choice - Harrow. It's the last episode so I will have to find something else to watch when that finishes. 

Editing photos sounds interesting, and having clients waiting - one at a time, just one thing, they will gradually whittle down to manageable. Single steps, small tasks.

I used to do dressmaking for a living and had a breakdown, had clients waiting .... couldn't leave them in the lurch, so would choose one thing to work on each day to eventually finish. They were wonderful clients, so understanding, so valued my creative abilities that they would wait for me to do my thing for them. I am sure your clients feel the same about your skills and value to them. 

Anyway, I'm off to my icecream and my show right now, you take the best care of yourself that you are able to, won't you, and rest well when you do. 

[NatureLover]

Hi @saltandpepper 

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@saltandpepper wrote:

And I've always been struggling. And injust feel like im at the end of it.

.. and it feels like the first time in a long time I've run out of steam and i want to guve up.

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I'm so sorry you feel at the end of your tether. Please don't feel guilty for writing how you feel. I hope you can do things that help you to get through this...sending wishes for strength and hope for you.

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@saltandpepper wrote:

Rescheduled for my son to come out today, but, the thought of pretending is just... almost impossible. Pretending to be happy, play, have fun, be a fucki mg responsible parent. 

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Well done for doing this, despite feeling like you did 🙂

I'm delighted to know you're writing a letter so that people know what you've been through and what you're thinking. Writing letters that I don't send has always been good therapy for me. I hope it helps 🙂

[saltandpepper]

@NatureLover Yeah... I cancelled again. What a winner I am. The letter, yeah... I managed to get through last night pretty well. Not a lot of sleep, but I managed to not have a drink until about 10pm. Was aiming for a night off but, well, I caved I guess. I provably need to write more to get the shit out of my head so I don't feel like I need to numb it all.

To be honest, I'm not sure where my head is at with it all. I had a bit of a realisation last night, that I don't want to die until I get the answers I need. But in having that realisation, while helpful in the immediate coming days, is perhaps not a great outlook. I kind of feel like I'm making myself a check list here of things I want to do before I do anything else. It's not a place I've been before. I've consistently had thoughts of suicide for a long time now, they're there but they don't alarm me, they're just thoughts. I've really only been suicidal once in my life, felt like it plenty of times, but only in danger of it once. That was different to this, that was an impulse when I was at the lowest point of my life. This, feels like, planning. And that is what alarms me.

[NatureLover]

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@saltandpepper wrote:

This, feels like, planning. And that is what alarms me.

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It alarms me too, @saltandpepper . Can you tell your therapist this? 

Also, I'm just going to tag a @Former-Member ...

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[traveller]

Hi @saltandpepper just checking with you today as it sounds like a lot is going on. I just want to remind you about contacting lines such as Lifeline 131114 if you need to. i know a lot of people support you on here too. Life can be such an uphill battle at times and we all need support at some stage. Stay safe and know we are here too.

Cheers Traveller (Moderator)

[saltandpepper]

@NatureLover Yeah I will tell him when we talk. I probably said this but I think he was kinda pissed about me drinking, I'm not sure if the phone call ended on a bad note. I tried reaching out to him yesterday but haven't heard back yet--pretty sure he switches the phone off for the weekend which is fair. And yeah, it feels a bit like a red flag for me, but the shit I need to get done is going to take time, so having said that, I'm ok for the immediate future. And I'll be able to get in for an appointment with my psych here soon so I reckon that'll help.

But thanks for responding and letting me know it doesn't sound right to you either. It's hard to see it clearly from where I'm sitting. 

[saltandpepper]

@traveller Cheers but nah, those helplines haven't helped me