12-09-2019 10:32 AM
I havent started the study yet just getting ir organised. Possibly start next mnth
Ill start by doing to the classes myself & getting to know the instructors
Hope i get on ok with the instructors thats all.
Thats an incredible story about ur brother
I lot of people with injuries enjoy aqua cause its something they CAN do.
Builds ur confidence up if u CAN do things i find
Helps u focus on the pos & not the neg.
Anyway thats why i exercise & do music prac. Helps me focus on the road ahead cause i cant change my past.
All ive got left is all i can work with
12-09-2019 12:33 PM
I just had my first EMDR session.
Ill describe it for you. Psychologist had gotten me to write a letter to my mum. Which i did 2wks ago & cried a lot after it.
I took the letter in to him.
I sat in the chair
He asked me to focus on a time where my mother really hurt me.
Immediately i was in the hosp room giving birth to my stillborn son. I knew he had passed. My girlfriend was to the right of me & my mother was not close to me on the left. The vision was crystal clear & the emotions rose. Psychologist asked me what i was feeling. As this was going on the psychologist got me to sit with my head still & just with my eyes watch a conductors stick pass backwards & forwards in front of my eyes. I would tell him what i saw & felt what thoughts came up as i watched the stick pass in front of me.
Sure i cried heaps but it was controlled with the meds im on luckily.
So it wasnt too traumatic.
He would then stop & ask me what pain level it was. Then we would go back to that same vision. He kept repeating this. Gradually the vision of my mother almost disappeared.
I then was focusing on my girlfriend who was truly there for me. Close by my side & so supportive. You see my mother & her boyfriend organised it so hed ph to get her out of the room.
The ph rang 3times & shed walk away. Eventually she said she had to leave me cause hed locked himself out. Yeah right.
It was just her way to let me know how unimportant i was & that boys would always b her priority.
Anyway as we continued the vision got less clear & the emotional attachment to it totally lessened.
In the end i felt almost nothing & could mostly c my girlfriend. My mother was far in the distance with her back to me walking away.
What fascinated me the most was how the vision chsnged. I was more in present time remembering rather than being right back in the room.
Its quite a fascinating process actually. At one point i started to visualize another trauma with the similar theme of my mother displaying her lack of care. However the psychologist quickly got me back focused on the one trauma.
I do feel safe to express myself with this man. I feel safe with him.
As he did this is the reason why i cant trust people & have always felt so unwanted & worthless
Which is linked to my greatest fears now about trying to provide for myself. & my fears around my son leaving & then being totally alone again.
12-09-2019 12:47 PM
Thanks for sharing @Donna1 , i'm sure this will help people make more of an informed decision about this treatment. I can relate to the worry around being alone. I have only small family here and not many friends. I find it hard to meet new people due to work and now mental health worries and issues.
I'm glad you got through the session okay and that you have a good support team around you. Your son may leave at some point, but, your always going to be in each others hearts.
12-09-2019 01:02 PM
12-09-2019 01:51 PM
Yeah i wrote my memoirs when i was pregnant with my son & i went totally nuts crying.
Then everytime i edited it the pain got less.
This psychologist knows i write so got my to write the letter first. Its about 6 pages long. Sooooo much pain linked with it.
Its bizarre cause my mother writes to me now like weve been friends forever. Never heard from her in 16yrs tho.
I just cant really write to.
She must feel so guilty & wants to clean the slate before she dies or something.
I will b sending the letter to her at some point tho.
I want her to face what she did.
I want her to know that i know what she did intentionally
Im just glad i never had a daughter & repeated this nasty pattern in my family.
It had to end sometime
I have absolutely no respect for the person at all.
12-09-2019 03:23 PM
I really valued your post describing the EMDR. It was so clear and described the processes. Good on you for working through it. I also know from hard bitter experience how traumas connect. I have never had the treatment but am not against it so if it offered. It might be help. I had a dreadfully truamatic confused relationship with my mother. My heart weeps for the complexity that is motherhood and all the wasted effort and time and love and mistakes.
Take Care and Stand Strong.
12-09-2019 04:43 PM
It was certainly insightful.
Ive never had any therapy in the past.
Had awful support & help actually when i look back.
Just more women being hard & cruel & expecting me to just tolerate & toughen cause thats the life of a woman.
I avoided help because of the attitude of many women actually.
Since my move ive got a dva white card now that pays for as much EMDR as i need.
Hes well aware theres a lot to get thru.
Yeah it was interesting how another trauma wanted to come forward as they were linked. Very interesting indeed.
There was a lot i wrote in the letter tho that were all connected.
So hes getting to the root of it.
I couldnt do this without meds tho. Not at all!!
12-09-2019 05:38 PM - edited 13-09-2019 02:36 AM
Glad you are getting something from the forums.
I was aware of EMDR back in early 90s through a family therapist, but never had money to get it.
I am going to talk to my gp and CoS about getting a dva white card. I never realised I had endured many repeated and different forms of sexual abuse til after I joined this forum. Seems stupid and mad but that is how "unusual" my early life was. Thanks for giving me the idea.
Its time for me to be moving on, as with most things there is good and bad everywhere.
12-09-2019 05:55 PM
Think its safer to have no therapist than a bad one.
After i moved someone told me that all ex service people r entitled to free mental health care.
Yrs ago i threw everything i owned & changed my name so it was quite a drama getting my service records.
I persisted tho & it got escalated once they realised i was up hosp with tremors & needed a psychiatrist.
Im yet to find a good dr for mental health however having the white card puts power back into my hands & allows me to shop around.
I totally understand u going ur own direction.
I was going to a meditation centre regularly but ive decided i just cant go there anymore.
U move on when it feels right.
Im happy to have this therapist now.
Ill stick with this lollipop duty & slowly ease back into studying aqua.
Ill go to the pool tomorrow.
I was a bit teary after it but dont feel too bad tonight.
Got some piano done do im happy lol
Take care & thanks for writing
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