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Aw84
Contributor

my story

Hi All,

 

I am new to the forums, and after some feedback from a previous post, I feel maybe if I share a bit of my story, I can help someone else not feel alone possibly? Keeping to guidelines I wont go into any details which may trigger anyone, and i'll do my best to keep this coherent.

 

My diagnostic history is long and complex, ranging from schizoaffective disorder to dysthymia. I have long concluded that I am on the autism spectrum, a self assessment my phychologist agrees is fair, given the behavioural traits i exhibit, however no formal diagnoses from a psychiatrist has resulted from this. I have been formally diagnosed with cluster B personality disorder traits, but from what I understand of comorbidity, the two can exist together. At this point, after all the different doctors, meds and treatments, this seems the most appropriate conclusion in my mind. I now refer to myself as neurodiverse.

 

I have unusual and specific interests, i misunderstand social cues and I am not socially confident. I am light sensitive, and avoid some everyday textures( like not wearing my wedding ring for instance) as the sensations against my skin cause great agitation. And i need to cover up on the train, wearing hoods where possible. Quite often, i  have no emotional response to something that should elict a strong response, in particulair some recent life events,and this is often mistaken as "i dont care" however the fact is, nothing is there to work with. I will mimic the emotional response of others to "get by" sometimes. Its not that i lack empathy, rather I  seem to be running my own version of it.

I can experience great influxes of emotion as well, specifically anger, fear and sadness. My range appears limited, as sometimes I dont really know what it is I am feeling, and so, when experencing a meltdown, it falls into those 3 catagories of emotion. This led to an assessment of "soft" bi-polar aswell.

 

Theres always the threat of falling into deep depression under life stresses (such as my current unemployment), however I try to keep busy to keep it in check. I am taking several medications, and will remain so into the forseeable future. Being off medications I have likened myself to a "wounded animal", that is, everybody and everything is a threat, even those doing their upmost to love and support me. However, even on medications I am withdrawn, and tend to keep away from people. I go into my head and shut everybody out. There is no associated thoughts with this, its more an action, if that makes any sense? Unfourtunatly, I can not really explain the process in words. 

Some days I feel fragmented and lacking cohesion. Sometimes I talk about an irrational personality within me on these days. No voices or thoughts or such. Just a "feeling" that exists, as an alternate part of myself, that wants to be angry and hateful. Again, it is not someting I can adequtely describe with words, its intangible. 

 

I have been fortunate to have a wife, some close friends and close family who do their upmost best to support me. I appriciate their efforts. I know its hard on them sometimes, not knowing how to help. I would really like to connect with others, like me. Coming to this forum will be part of that step. I know I am not alone, and neither are you. We all have our own narratives, and I hope to hear yours too.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: my story

Hello @Aw84 

 

Welcome to the foums.  If you press shift and @sign and type users names you can tag others.

 

I identify with being neurodiverse as well. It was not recognised when I was young and my family would not have cared, but it gives me another way to express myself and connect a little with some people.

 

In general psychiatrists are not interested in aspergers, but if you want a diagnosis I know people who have found a doc specialising in it.  WIth my pdoc he just ignores it, but does not overly focus on labels with me (I have a complex MH history as well) and tries to be more human and ... person to person ... in our appointments, which is probably even better

Good to have you here

Take Care.

Smiley Happy

 

Ali11
Community Builder

Re: my story

Thank you for sharing your story and experience @Aw84, we're sure you'll connect with people here in the Forum. It's great that you have a support network around you as well, have you found you've been able to connect to people through shared interests? 

Re: my story

Thanks @Appleblossom its nice to meet you.

 

Re: my story

Thanks @Ali11 , havent been really able to connect with anyone else with shared interests, but im sure i will connect through the forums

 

 

 

Re: my story

How are you doing @Aw84

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