Lived Experience Forum

[LostOne71]

Nearly 30 years ago I remember being told I had Boarderline Personality Disorder. It was after 3 failed suicide attempts in a short period of time. To be honest, my memories of that time are scarce, just little glimpses and vague memories.

I lost my husband and family back then, those relationships are gone and that’s ok, right now I can’t even think about processing that.

long story short, there was no follow up or treatment, I’ve spent the intervening years bouncing around aimlessly, lost. Sometimes homeless, in destructive relationships and one bad decision after another.

A few weeks ago, I watched a tv show on Netflix, My Crazy Ex Girlfriend. The crux of it was the lead had BPD. I identified with her behaviours, so hit google and the DSM-5.

This all confirmed what I’d been told all those years ago and ignored, now I sit here lost, alone and terrified, my only light is that I’ve had the moment of clarity that this is what it is, this is me…

Ive bought myself a guided journal and a DBT workbook, I’ve decided I need to stop pushing myself to work and study for the foreseeable future, I’ve never been able to maintain either anyway, it always ends badly and I think my focus needs to be more inward and learning who I am.

I live in an outback area with no mental health services, with a partner that I don’t connect with (He’s on the spectrum), it works, in the way that we both seem to have issues that make it impossible to really connect with other humans. We’re more housemates and dysfunctionally co dependent. I know that’s not healthy, but I genuinely have nowhere to go and no money to do it at the moment, I also fear taking on too much change right now, given I’ve just begun this journey. We have zero other support systems, no friends within 1000km, no family….

We have no GP here, the closest is quite a distance away, and I don’t think I can speak to anyone about this yet in person anyway.

I suppose the reasons for me writing this are to just get it out there… hopefully keep me a little accountable to move forward, not make any big decisions right now and to start learning about myself and what all this means.

I know at some stage I need to move away from here, I genuinely only speak to my partner or animals for weeks at a time, I’ve realised I’m loosing the ability to hold adult conversation, it’s been so long since I’ve needed to do it outside of this place.

I’m not eating right, gaining weight, loosing mobility, I sit around all day on multiple screens doing nothing, I loose the inspiration to shower (it’s been 4 days) 😥, I haven’t had a haircut in years, generally I don’t do any self care… wow! Writing that sounds so bad…

Sitting here, in this place, I know these things won’t change unless I go… My partner enables, if not encourages my bad choices and won’t hear me when I ask for support to change them and it’s not his job to do it for me anyway, I need to take the ownership.

So I suppose I’m asking, what next? How do you all move on from the point of realising this is it? This is what it is… Where to next?

[Christheart]

Hi @LostOne71 

Welcome to the forums. 

I hope you are safe and comfortable tonight. 

The things you have gone through so very stressful. But I'm glad you have gained a self awareness and acceptance about your BPD. 

I am wondering if telehealth or seeing an online GP would be possible for you?

That could be something to look into. 

Looking after our physical health is important because it relates directly to mental health... is there somewhere nice by your place that you could go for a walk? Just moving the body can help take us out of the mind...sometimes... not always... 

The way you describe your relationship reminds me of a relationship I was once in. It really was just keeping my comfortable and in my comfort zone, I would project my problems onto my boyfriend, and basically use him as a way to ward off loneliness and self hate. He was also on the spectrum, and neither of us fit in anywhere else. Leaving thay relationship to heal independently was really beneficial to me I'd say.

Also, I don't know much about BPD, but I just want you to know that you aren't alone and there are always options and treatments available. Getting that DBT workbook was a great idea!!! Well done for taking the initiative to do that for yourself. You should be proud. 

I'm going to tag @BPDSurvivor because they might have more insight into this. 

Hope the night is kind to you, dear

Christheart

[Grayman]

Hi LostOne, I’m new to Sane.
Your post is the first one I’ve read. You described your situation very well, I sense your despair. I admire your courage in sharing. Forums and apps can help overcome your isolated location . Good Luck!

[tyme]

Hi @Grayman ,

Welcome to the forums! It's great you could join us tonight.

Please reach out if you have any questions or need support in navigating the forums - it can be a bit daunting at first!

You are welcome to introduce yourself here Welcome! Introduce yourself here 🙂 

Also, a handy hint. If you'd like to tag someone into a reply, type "@" in front of their name. That way, the member will receive a notification.

Look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

tyme

Hi @LostOne71 , I believe the above message from @Grayman was for you 🙂

[BPDSurvivor]

Thank you for tagging me @Christheart .

Dear @LostOne71 ,

As someone diagnosed with BPD, I can see you have made a HUGE step in the right direction. Your current realisation that you yourself must take ownership of your actions as part of recovery, leads me to suggest you are well on your way to recovery. It took me decades to reach the point you are currently at. 

All I can say is today, I live very successfully with BPD. I love life. I am totally content and satisfied, and have learnt to embrace my BPD as part of who I am. I am proud to have BPD. I’m not saying I don’t have struggles - yes I do! But I work on overcoming these and seeing them as opportunities to learn more about myself (and others).

So today:

- I still have chronic suicidal ideation (with no intent at all)

- I struggle to maintain close relationships

- I have raging outbursts from time to time

But you know what? I’m ready to work with these struggles on a daily basis and hope that sharing my story will help others press on.

It is such an amazing MH condition to have because it is one of the few conditIons which allows the person themselves to make their story and be the author of it. In other words, it is proven that medication has limited benefits to tackle the underlying feeling of void and emptiness. Rather, it is about retraining the brain to think ‘differently’. Imagine all those years you have thought in a particular way, it would be difficult to change your way of thinking overnight. In other words, BPD is a SLOW-moving illness. It takes years to develop and years to be in recovery. DBT skills can certainly speed up the process, but unless you have the opportunity to practise these skills, you may not know how effective it is. I hear you live remotely, and that makes it a challenge.

I undertook Mentalisation based therapy (MBT) - both group and individual sessions. It was a godsend! It played a huge part in teaching me to “think” in more helpful ways. It was damn hard work, but totally worth it.

I better stop there or I can get carried away talking about something I’m so deeply passionate about.

Whatever it is, well done on taking ownership!

Ill catch up with you soon, BPDSurvivor.

You can also browse through Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script .

[BPDSurvivor]

I was thinking about you this morning @LostOne71 , and wanted to see how you are going. Is there anything you’d like to chat about? I’m ready and waiting to listen.

[LostOne71]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

I'm ok, I think lol.

Thanks for your messages and support. It's helpful to hear others stories, to be able to share and know theres hope.

I have slept much of the last few days, it seems opening the flood gates was exhausting, It's hard to put into words where my head is right now. Somewhere between relief and hopeful, and overwhelmed and scared. I am trying to work out how to physically survive, knowing I need to make some massive changes and just not knowing how to accomplish the biggest one, leaving this place and my partner. 

There's so much I need to consider and do.

I spent last night making lists. They're my safe space. If I have a list, I have the start of the plan. 

I've listed the things I need to arrange for me (Dr's, supports etc...), the things I need to do to move and arrange a formal separation, things I want to take with me and the things I will need to get.

I am waiting for my journal and workbooks to arrive, I am so excited for that, my one concern is they maybe a little triggering to start with given I am physically on my own in this out here, but I'm going to keep on with it. 

My plan for Monday is to call Sane and see what they suggest. Maybe teleconferencing will work. I just don't do well in those situations, until I can get to a more civilised place to live, I suppose it will be the thing to do.

Thank you again, so very much

[LostOne71]

Hi again @BPDSurvivor ,

I hope this finds you well and in a safe space.

Your message (along with others, has given me some hope that I can do this. Thank you!

I do have a couple of "quick" questions 🙂 and if I get too personal, please just let me know.

Could you tell me more about the Mentalisation based therapy (MBT) you mentioned?

Do you have any resources (I will check out Flip the Script) that you would recommend?

I was curious to ask how long you've been on your journey, but have realised, everyone is so different and has different experiences, supports etc that it's not going to be indicative of my timing.

Looking forward to chatting soon.

[LostOne71]

Hi @Christheart, 

Thanks so much for your message and tagging @BPDSurvivor, I appreciate it.

I hope you're safe and well 🙂

Thanks for the suggestion of an online Dr. I think I really need to give this some serious consideration. I have always shied away from this as I have a bit of a thing about phones and video. I just struggle to look at myself and communicate effectively this way, but I don't think I have much choice until I can leave here.

Knowing how I feel with my current relationship and how it is "easy", but insanely frustrating, I have no choice but to leave. I am not happy and it's certainly not fair to him. I have tried to talk to him abut it, but its like he doesn't hear me, he will respond and then that's it... nothing changes, its like we've never had the conversation. I feel a bit gaslighted in some ways, but I worry that's me being paranoid.

small example, I have asked him not to buy me chips and chocolate because I am gaining too much weight (I am now over 130kg) and its not good for me. Today after me saying that and saying money was tight, he went into the supermarket and guess what! Chips and chocolate... I know its my responsibility as to whether I eat it or not, but that's not the point. I feel so unheard and ignored, frustrating. So it is time for me to act. I know that and I thank you for sharing, it helps.

Many thanks for the support and message.

[LostOne71]

Thank you!