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Crossroad
Casual Contributor

The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hi all,

Yes, I am new to this environment but am at a crossroad that I don't feel able to talk myself through which is what I have so far managed to successfully do.

Long, long story short:

I grew up with a brother with an undiagnosed mental health issue that saw him turn to alcohol to deal with his anxieties which eventually turned him into an alcoholic.  We sought help from psychiatrists as much as we could but he was too far gone and not willing or able to make the changes in his life that were necessary.  I witnessed the pain that he caused my parents and he too caused me pain for many years.  Eventually, when I was pregnant with my second child, I had to put my family first and ask him not to make contact with me any longer as I was basically frightened of him and his calls/visits were too distressing.  Sadly, that was the last conversation I had with him as he passed away in his rental property, alone, a few months later.  His body remained there for at least a week before my parents became worried and went and found him.  I was never able to see him to say goodbye and that breaks my heart.  

That was over 15 years ago now and tragically, my son, now 19, reminds me so much of him.  I can't believe that I am again at a crossroads in my life where I need to choose between the happiness of my two daughters and the ability for me to have some kind of normal life or that of continuing to allow my son to stay at home and make us all miserable.

He was diagnosed from a young age with ADHD and had behaviours that were challenging way beyond a normal healthy young boy.  We visited so many specialists and natural therapists just trying to find someone that could help me turn on the switch that would make him feel happiness, sadly I am still trying to find that.  He was finally diagnosed with Aspergers 3 years ago but having that diagnoses has only seemed to provide him with a label that he wants to 'live down' to.  He does not want to make any effort to change because he considers he is born that way and there is nothing he can do about it.  I get that, please don't think that I don't understand that.  He is an amazing young man but with some very serious social and anger issues that make him impossible to live with.  After hitting numerous brick walls and receiving very little support from health professionals or the 'mental health system' I am finally running out of ideas of what else I can do to try and help him realise that the world is worth living in.  I haven't yet mentioned that he has wanted to end his life for at least 7 years now.  He has no friends, no social contacts at all and because he was not able to finish even year 10 he cannot get a job.

People say to me that I have to let him take his own journey and that if he doesn't want to change there is nothing I can do.  Yes, I understand that but to keep him alive I have to at least help him find something that he considers worth living for.  If he can't find this alone, isn't it my responsibility as a mother to be there for him, no matter what, to try and keep him going until this can be found?  But then what are my responsiblities to my other two children and my husband?  Shouldn't my girls be able to feel save in their own home and not subjected to fits of rage and bullying behaviour that he dishes out to everyone on a daily basis?  Are they not allowed to walk around their home and sing if they choose to or have friends over?  Who's needs take priority in this situation?  Am I allowed to consider any of my needs?  All I ever wanted was a happy family that enjoyed each other's company and felt content with the life they had.  No-one in my family is feeling that and I feel responsible for trying to fix this for everyone and it is killing me slowly!

I haven't mentioned that yes, I do have a wonderful husband.  He is an incredible father but sadly there was a relationship breakdown between him and my son many years ago and my son has very little to do with him.  My husband I think feels angry at my son for what he puts us through so he too trys to avoid having anything to do with him.  It is therefore up to me to try and keep some sense of harmony and love in this home which is more like a battlefield every day?

Can someone please tell me what I am supposed to do?  I am devastated that I am yet again in this position as I was with my brother, that of having to choose who to support?  Wondering if I am allowed to have any happiness and knowing that whatever choice I make, I am never going to be able to really feel happy as someone is going to have to miss out.  So often I just want to curl up into the foetal position and shut the world away but I don't have that option.  You see, I should mention here also that my husband lost his job over a year ago and has not been able to find anything else yet.  I therefore am also the main income earner in the home and 5 days a week,  I wake up, plaster a smile on my face and try to remain positive whilst I fight peak hour traffic to get into work to do a job that is about giving of myself to other people to help them before returning home to continue to prop up the family emotionally.  I believe in staying positive.  I belive that things are supposed to get better but I am beginning to realise that it is going to be up to me to make a decision and that the 'perfect solution' I keep praying is around the corner is not in fact going to arrive.  I live in fear every day that the Bank is going to call in the home loan and we will all be on the street or trying to sell out house way under market value because we can't afford to renovate it ready for a sale.

I am thankful everyday that I wake up in this beautiful country where the son shines and I have amazing friends for support, but I need more than this now and could really use some advice on what I can do.

 

 

9 REPLIES 9

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hi Crossroad, welcome to the forum. Sanfran here, the overnight moderator. Deeply moved by your story and the effort you put in to keep your family going. Imagining how exhausting it must be- and how to keep yourself going?? I am wondering if, with your son's diagnosis of Asperger's, does he qualify for the National Disability Insurance Scheme? A large number of people do who are on the autism spectrum. Are you linked into support organizations who could advise you around this? If NDIS has not rolled out to your area yet, your son may be eligible for disability case management. 

I used to work as a disability case manager. Part of the role was to work with people with disabilities, including autism and aspergers and their families to find the best support, programs, respite, living alternatives etc, as the impact on the family is massive- and you, your husband and daughters have the right to peace and safety in your own home. 

You may or may not have explored support services; I think it is important that your son gets help to live independently and a NDIS package could help him do that. 

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hi @Crossroad,

I'm Shimmer, another of the SANE moderators. I just wanted to add my welcome and say that your story really moved me as well.

Ahh, that elusive "perfect solution". Like you, I wonder if such a thing exists in a situations as complex as this. My belief is that you can only do your best with the information and resources you have available at any given time, and try to be compassionate to yourself through it all. I'm sorry I can't tell you what to do, but I hope that we can be a bit of a sounding board for you as you navigate a way forward.

I would like to respond to your questions "am I allowed to consider any of my needs?" and "am I allowed to have any happiness?" The answer is YES. Throughout your story, it sounds like you are carrying a heavy weight of responsibility, for your whole family's happiness, financial stability, and making important decisions alone. You are clearly such a strong person for managing all of this @Crossroad. Yet you said you feel like it is killing you slowly, and it seems like this situation with your son is bringing up distressing memories of how things unfolded with your brother. I imagine this would be so difficult for you personally, and I can't overstate how important it is to look after yourself through all of this.

You mentioned you have amazing friends for support (which is fantastic!) but that you need more than this now. What else are you thinking might be helpful for you to get through this? I also wonder if you fit any self-care into your life at the moment? You deserve to @Crossroad. Are there any small things you do to look after yourself?

 

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hi Shimmer and Sanfran, thank you for your kind supporting responses, it is nice just to not feel that I am struggling because of some weakness of mine. As always, writing things down does help you to get some clarity and perspective and perhaps I should have done this earlier. I think that by trying to bottle this up and pretend life is normal and focus on positives then my life will automatically attract better things. That's how it is supposed to work isn't it? I am a positive person by nature and prefer to appreciate how many good things I have in my life, and I do. It helps me to keep my head above water but it is not really helping me to gain any ground though and I think I am getting tired of the effort.

I have tried local support groups for my son, but he chooses not to engage and sadly I have yet to find one that actually wants to make any effort with him. We reached out to one about 2 months ago and they sent us a letter advising he would be contacted in two weeks but have heard nothing. He's been in a waiting list for a care facility for 5 months and last week when I contacted them, as I have done on a monthly basis, a different person answered my call who went to the effort of looking at his file. Despite numerous previous assurances that he was on the list and I had to be patient, it turns out that he will in actual fact not be eligible for this facility as he sees a private psych! Apparently to access this facility he needs to go through the government system! Now he was going through the govt system a few years ago and in the space of 18 months he saw a psychiatrist twice for a total of about 10 mins so for this reason we had to try and find a private psych. This was an amazing challenge in itself as he was 16 and it seems no one wants to take on someone between the age on 16 and 18. Anyway, I digress and my apologies.

Yes, I will try again for a local option as it seems that at this point that is all I can do. I will try and get them to help me find a residential facility so I can try to keep my family afloat and I will try and learn to live with the guilt that I know will plague me for the rest of my life as I have not been able to save my son.

One day, I will win enough money to set up a system that offers better support to parents suffering from the debilitating difficulty of supporting a child with mental health issues in a system that sadly sets them up for failure and disappointment. In the meantime, any suggestions and words of support from others dealing with similar situations will hopefully give me strength to keep battling this black dog.

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hi @Crossroad,

 

Thanks for sharing your story. If you find that someone who has the answer for you please send them in my direction. Hopefully just writing your story and sharing it has made you feel a little better. 

If you want to be there to support your family you need to look after your own welfare. It might help to have a little time for yourself each week. One of the things I like to do these days is go to the movies. It helps me.

 

 

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Have you considered counselling for yourself? I have found it very very helpful in dealing with my husband's mental health issues. Some carers associations offer free counselling services over the phone - look up your state carers association and see what is available for you.
The other thing that I wonder is what boundaries are you setting for your son? Would it be reasonable to suggest he can stay in the house and have your support on the proviso that he engages with support services? Finding realistic boundaries that support your mental health is really important. It sounds like you are scared of what might happen owing to the situation with your brother and I am wondering if there is an in between step that would be less frightening - not cutting off all your contact and support, but providing some space and reasonable consequences for aggressive behaviour. Hope that helps - it sounds like a very emotionally tough situation and I hope you can find some effective support for both you and your boy.

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

HI Crossroads

i can emphasise with each word you say as i am also battling with my son's (24) severe mental illness of schizophrenia. we have been going through this for many years and he has been to many hospitals and phsychiatrists getting misdiagnosed (i guess it is not easy to get the diagnosis right as symptoms change over time) so now he refuses any 'professional' help as noone could help him so far, more the opposite, hospitals were so traumatising for him. there is no solution except to hang in there on a day to day basis. i also often want to curl up in bed and never wake up. but i have 2 other kids who need taken care of (one doing her HSC this year, i dont know how she is going to manage that considering the difficult family circumstances) it is just too difficult for us carers and watching our kids suffer like this is beyond heartbreak. unimaginable!! so much hopelessness and heartache!!! i would love to open a mental facility with you which shows compassion, gives freedom to the affected ones, appropriate support, in a nice healing environment. very surprisingly there is no such facility, hospitals are awful places to be and they rely too much on meds. my son refuses medication, i can not force them on him, he is very violent and i often fear for my life. he has no control over himself - trigger is usually any noise, specially planes (and we live under a flightpath, so we have to relocate as it has become unbearable), when terrible rage overcomes him. it is just too much. i just wanted to tell you i feel for you with every word, they are exactly my feelings. thanks for sharing. 

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hi Barbara

Thanks for sharing and I am so very sorry to hear the trauma you are going through. Living in fear of your son hurting you must be so very draining and something that no parent should have to face without support. To a lesser degree we have been through this also but I have told my son that under no circumstances will I accept violence in my house and when it has been expressed I have called the Police and they have taken him to hospital. Again, you never imagine when they place you're beautiful baby in your arms that one day you will watch as the Police drive him away in the back of a wagon! Still, each day we plaster a smile on our face so the world thinks we are ok and just hope that one day things will get better.

Isn't there anything that can be done to help you if you are fearing for your life? I do not think you can continue to have him at home if he is a threat to you and your family.

One day, whoever wins lotto first, we can get together and try and create a better place for our kids to be in the hope that they can find something to live for and something to give back to others.

Take care of yourself.

Crossroads

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Yes. That sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm in @Crossroad

I have made the awfully tough decision yesterday that I cannot live with violence and the threat of it in my home anymore. My 15 year old daughter is being discharged from inpatient soon yet is still requiring security on a regular basis to contain her. So for her to come back here, as much as I grieve her presence, is now out of the question for the wellbeing of myself and my teenage son. I also know that her real self does not want to hurt us and that she at times experiences extreme guilt about her behaviour but is unabe, due to the illness to take responsible action. 

So its over to child services, who are already involved with us. If her dad or extended family can't take her then some kind of secure welfare will have to do, with my heart breaking, until I can find some form of therapeutic residency for her. The sadness and grief are overwhelming. I see other teens on the street laughing and playing and the pain is unbearable. She is a beautiful, popular, talented human with a huge range of good qualities inside and out.... to be contained must feel like a prison sentence, but until I find an alternative, its that or the streets where its highly likely she will develop substance abuse issues on top of the mental health.

Re: The guilt of a mum trying to help her 19 year old son

Hello @Crossroad,


As a parent of a 16 year old that is suffering with severe depression and social anxiety I can commissurate with the frustrations that you are experiencing in this. In many ways your story is very similar to mine. I also had a brother who suffered with some form of undiagnosed mental health illness who eventually committed suicide at age 21 and I also have been in the grips of fear that history was going to repeat itself with my own son. My son is also fully estranged from his father following many years of a relationship failure. As a parent of a child suffering with a mental disorder it's natural for us to worry about their well-being and future. I believe that the key to surviving this is to remain focused more on today and what you have in front of you than to future forecast and allow our own inherent anxieties to take control.

This is a situation that requires your ongoing and continued support, regardless of whether he responds and what the outcomes are. This is not about dropping support, or handing the responsibility over to others, or letting him take responsibility or anything like that. This is about being present and doing whatever you can whether it succeeds or fails and believing that you are doing the very best that you can in a difficult situation. There are no rights or wrongs. It's not that you are failing even though it feels like it and there is nothing wrong with wanting to have "normality" in your life.

My biggest breakthrough with my son came when I learnt to accept things for what they are and actually settled into that place comfortably. My acceptance reduced not only my own anxieties but reduced the "tension" that existed between my son and I, and the entire family.  I'm not sure whether this is just a co-incidence or whether there is something in it but my psychologist did "tapping" with me with regard to my son. From that day forward something changed within me which I can't explain. Things that used to "trigger" me vanished and my reactions to the whole situation shifted into a much more positive place of acceptance. My son also appears to have responded positively to me "backing off" and just being there as a constant in his life.

Examples:

Previously: my son didn't attend school and my reaction was one of complete despair in which I tried everything within my power to get him there. I saw his non-attendance as being a failure of me as a parent.

Now: if he doesn't want to attend school then so be it. Gentle encouragement but no freaking out and not taking it on board as being a reflection of me.

Previously: my son slept until 3pm and refused to get up. My reactions was to try and wake him up repeatedly in my attempt to get him into life as I know it.

Now: if he choses to sleep until 3pm then so be it. No repeated attempts to wake him. No anxiety. No talks, discussions or anything about it.

Previously: my son would ditch therapy last minute. My reaction was "You have to go. This is important. You can't just cancel last minute, etc" followed by many attempts at trying to get him there.

Now: OK if he doesn't want to go, so be it. Ring the practice and let them know. End of story.

Try shifting yourself into a place of acceptance that this is the way things are for now and reduce your anxiety. Our children pick up on our anxieties and frustrations and I believe that it makes them feel worse to see that their behaviour impacts so greatly on us.  Try wherever possible to still have "normality" in your life.  Don't allow him to impact on all of you.  

My son's relationship with me has improved greatly since I took a more accepting approach. He is improving slowly and slightly in his way and in his time and knows that I'm always here for him no matter what headspace or place he is in.  I agree that the system sucks when it comes to support and ultimately you feel like you are alone in this battle with no-one else out there that understands or is interested.  The reality is that no-one really can understand unless they themselves are in it which is why peer to peer support via a forum like this is so valuable. 

So my advice to you in a nutshell is to try and shift yourself into a place where his behaviour does not affect you as profoundly as what it is.  Still keep supporting him to the best of your ability but don't take it on board and never feel guilty for wanting a normal family.  We all want that. Just remember "Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it".

I hope that by venting on this forum and kowing there are people out there that can hear what you are saying , it brings you some solace.

Janna ❤️ 

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