Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

Good morning everyone! @Hibiscus1 @Ferylgirl @Clawde @xtine @RainbowDash @BlueBay @Judi9877 

How’s BPD treating everyone?

Living on my own has given me time to heal, yet my curiosity causes me to think, ‘Would I have recovered to this point if I lived with others?’

What do you think? As we know, if a borderline lived alone on an island in the middle of nowhere, no one would know there was any issue. But is this life? 

BPD affects one’s relationships with others. Emotional sensitivity means there’s that continuous fear that they will get hurt by others - hence, that hard, defensive barrier is built and maintained but it is very tiring to keep up. It is tiring. It feels like living a lie. It can feel like letting go is easier. There is a void and emptiness that can’t be filled so satisfying impulses seem the only way to go.

I’ve learnt to manage these BPD symptoms and I feel empowered in doing so. The next step in my recovery journey is to work on maintaining healthy relationships with those around me. Evidence suggests people DO want to hang around with me, now it’s about be allowing them to. 

How do you manage this?

BPDSurvivor

[BlueBay]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

i had a cry while reading this.  Don't know why, the tears just came.

Some days i feel and wish i was living alone.  all by myself, that way i could do whatever i want to do, eat whatever, i would i suppose feel a bit more free.

i struggle with letting people in to my issues or when i am struggling emotionally.  i was given very harsh words by a 'so called close friend' a few years ago.  telling me that she didn't want to listen to me anymore and since then i was heartbroken.  i felt rejected yet again and abandoned.  it's weird i still see this person but it took me a while to see her again.  and now i tell her nothing.  so i keep a facade of my health and emotions.  i dare not tell her my true feelings or show her my emotions for fear of being 'told off' again.

so i have another friend and the other day i managed to call her and just cried.  she was really good, listened, no juidgement and understood.  that was all i wanted.

i sometimes wonder 'have i had BPD since a child' 

thanks for sharing, i know you have worked so hard to get where you are today.  

hugs to you xxxooo

[BPDSurvivor]

Hugs to you too @BlueBay . 

There are pluses to a borderline living alone, yet it can also mean isolation and loneliness. Once again, at this point, my life is so full and free that I don’t have time to feel lonely. I actually used to feel lonelier when I was around people.

As for your ‘friend’ telling you they can’t listen anymore, I feel like they were trying to protect themselves because they really didn’t know what to do anymore. 

Back then, I don’t think I could’ve coped with my own company! I know I was hard work, and hence now, I am full of gratitude for those who stuck by me. I take my hat off to carers altogether.

And about having BPD as a child? I seem to think people grow to have BPD so it doesn’t ‘appear’ until late teens to early adulthood when the brain has gone through the major growth periods. I don’t know - that’s my thinking. I’m no brain specialist. But the theory leads me to understand why it takes so long to ‘get out of’ BPD, and why meds don’t ‘cure’ BPD. As I said, that’s my thinking based on my experiences.

You are very important to me, and your feelings and emotions are valid. Hugs, BPDSurvivor 

[Bow]

I find relationships difficult. 

I put so much energy into building new relationships, and then for whatever reason once I stop…. Cause it’s usually me that does everything, they stop too. Aren’t relationships meant to be a two way thing??? Then I am left feeling used and abused and feeling like no one wants to actually be my friend. 

I’ve done a lot of grieving over the years. Friendships where I thought I meant something to someone. Where we have shared so much of each other’s lives for it to all but fizzle out. 

Now I just live a pretty lonely life. I have one main friend who I’ve been friends with for many years, they are like my second family. But None of my others friends message or call. And I’m tired of being the one that does the reaching out. 

[BlueBay]

♥️ @BPDSurvivor  I’m glad I’ve met you here. Xxxx

[xtine]

Thanks for your questions @BPDSurvivor 

I think the stigma, stereotypes and general misunderstanding of BPD is so great; it's hard to imagine it being seen in a compassionate light.

It scares people, it makes some people use you as a convenient scapegoat, and others can just "not deal" - essentially, you become a person they can interact with when you fit someone else's comfort profile. What I'm referring to here is my capacity for sensitivity and expressing emotions in tandem with articulate language, insight and responsibility.

I prefer to tell people I have CPTSD, as it's more benign and still very accurate as far as development of personality disorders.

I think the main thing about BPD that freaks people out is emotion, and the insights behind it. Because, even when a person is actually making sense, but emotional, they are dismissed. Then we are called "crazy", that we aren't "managing our behaviour", are "acting out", "not doing the work", or generally being a nuisance.

It's easier to be with myself. I have friends, but spend short periods of time with them as it's draining, even if it is fun and I know I am accepted. There's just the awareness in my head about where I've been and the rewriting of the script to where I am now. Very little is tacit, things have been examined and re-learned. It feels alien. 

Then you let someone in and you become THE problem. 

I have deep insight, but it's incredibly easy for others not so aware to dismiss me with such arrogance. Emotion is confronting and we all need to self-regulate, but everyone is human. I just think it's very interesting how those with less insight continually give themselves a pass for their poor behaviour and see no need to reconcile, own up, or apologise, let alone have a meaningful repair conversation afterwards.

Which is what I need in my intimate relationships.

So here we are on this forum. Where things can make more sense, we can be understood, and we can start to see ourselves in the context of our awareness, strength and articulation - instead of in the context of others' perjorartive, stigmatised and dismissive responses.

These put-downs do not define us. It's time to stop letting these attitudes have power over our worth as people.

I'm here because my confidence is low. I was a people-pleaser, getting by on approval. Now I'm starting to live differently, more on my terms, but it is confusing and dark.

I think I'll find some light here 🙂

[RainbowDash]

Hello BPDSurvivor! 

living alone is tough and I applaud anyone who can do it with success. 

I have been with my husband for 15 years and could not imagine ever living alone. It’s one of my biggest struggles. Being home alone freaks me out, luckily with 6 teenagers/young adults living in the house it’s pretty rare I’m alone. 

I struggle socially. ALOT. To the extent that when things get rough for me unless I’m going to work I will not leave my house alone. Currently I’m in one of those stages. 

I’ve had a lot go on in the last few months which has pushed 5 years worth of therapy, hard work and recovery essentially back to square 1 😞 

[Rhye]

Wow @xtine, this is such a powerful post! I was surprised to read that you live with low confidence because that was the very thing your post conveyed, almost straight out the gate!

This right here was amazingly expressed:

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So here we are on this forum. Where things can make more sense, we can be understood, and we can start to see ourselves in the context of our awareness, strength and articulation - instead of in the context of others' perjorartive, stigmatised and dismissive responses.

The new SANE strategy and branding is all about being bold, unapologetic and working towards eliminating stigma, discrimination, and social exclusion. I think it sounds like you might be a great advocate for these goals too 😊

[Rhye]

Hey there @RainbowDash,

Just jumping in to sit with you in what you've expressed here...in the past I've struggled with elements of high anxiety in social settings and whilst it can ebb and flow, one of the things my recently retired therapist said to me was that you cannot unlearn what you've learnt. I hope that gives you a small sense of hope that you have it within you to face the challenge and you will emerge from this moment in time 💛

[xtine]

For sure! I love the new branding and ethos - it's so powerful and it makes me feel like I'm part of an awesome team of people in society ❤️