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jimmy1982
Contributor

Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience , Scroll Down

 
12 REPLIES 12

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

Hi @jimmy1982 

 

May I ask, how are things now for you?

 

Welcome to the Forums by the way, I don't think I've "seen" you around before 🙂

 

NikNik

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

Sorry Guys There Is Another Part To This That I Will Have To re write it didnt save ...

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

@NikNik Im Good Thanks , The Auto save Only Saved Probably 20% Of My Original Story , ...Im Going To Try Re write It today if I Have Time ,,:-)

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

mI can clearly remeber walking out of my first birthing class , and aqs my partner and myself  talked through the car park building turned to her scoffing of course and said "what the f#@K kind of man would get P.N.D " refering to our last topic in the birthing class for that session , after still chuckling away to mySelf as i got into the car , i had no idea that i was indeed "that kind of man" and P.N.D would have the last laugh.

fast forward a month , two weeks before my Daughter was expected to be born my partner and i had decieded to head down south a few hours from home and stay at a nice little retreat cabin out in the bush for a few days R&R.

mentally i was feeling good , i was 30yo and fortunatly i have  never had depression anxiety or anything like that , in the past i had been lucky enough and "motivated" enough to "think' my way through problems if that makes sence. problems arises , think it through , how can i  fix , change or deal with it ? And I would just make it happen , i never really been a "worrier" or  Never one to Over think things which looking back probably saved my mental health , as my brothers one older , one younger have totally different mind sets from myself and both Suffer "extreme" mental health problems to the point they are both pretty much un-employable and the younger one has tried to take his own life on numourous occasions , thankfully un-succsesfully and they are both still soldiering on too this day

that afternoon i decieded to take the dogs for a walk On my way back walking up the last hill  to the cabin "BANG" my heart started cranking , it was beating so fast it felt as though it was in my throat almost chocking me ,i was gasping for breath ,  the whole middle of my torso felt like it was being slowly crushed , i couldent keep my eyes open it was as though i was looking directly into  a spot light or some thing !!! F%#K , F@#K im having a heart attack this is it F%#K

and of course the panic from me thinking i was having a heart attack stepped every thing up another notch.

I remember just trying to get to the cabin which was less than 50m away but my vision was blurry , the weirdest thing was it felt like i was sort of looking at my self from outside , and i was this tiny spec in a vast area , even tho there was a cabin 50m away and gardens etc and i was on a smallish lawn.

I was sweating and could actually hear my heart throbbing in my ears!!

breath ...... breath 

 

In Out ..... In Out 

Relax Breath

In Out In Out , calm down calm down then as quick as it came it was  gone .

fark looking at the cabin , i wondered if  my partner had Seen that ?

What the  F just happened Fark !

Looking Up at The Cabin Fark What Just Happened , ?? Did My Patrner Just see That .??

As soon as i walked into the cabin she asked me if i was ok , she could read into my face and knew that something had just happened , we packed our bags and left ...

That was my first and only aniexty Attack of that caliber thank goodness , to think people live with that every day is beyond me , it actually saddens me ....

 

It was from that day onwards that  began my dark dark decent into the black hole , my gorgeous little girl is Home with us now, you would think i would be spending all the time i can with her right ? but no a different type of anxiety has got me by the balls now , and im sinking deeper and deeper , now im really feeling  distant , i spend my nights locked away in my garage ( Man Cave) and if i wasnt  Working the days too ,

I feel sick my guts feels twisted , agitated , then the guilt steps in , catch 22 the more i distance myself the more guilt i feel i hate every thing , any thing i loved to do before gives me no enjoyment now no Feeling , no emotion , my ,mojos gone , im a ticking time bomb....

The Days Roll By And it Feels As Though Its The Same day Ground Hog day ,

 

The hardest thing for me when i felt like this was the lack of control i had .

I would try and talk myself into calming down relaxing and snapping out of it  , but it didnt work for it actually made it worse ,it has worked all my Life With  All Kinds Of Challenges including depression...

How the f@%K am i going to shake this !!!!!!

Just what i needed , the deep dark depression now kicks in i cant keep living like this .....

But still i had not told a sole !! WRONG  CHOICE >

My partner knew something was not quite right

She always asked me if i was ok , Could  She help in any way , but was greeted with a defensive yes im F@#ken ok leave me alone ," why do you keep asking me that ?" then i was  back out to the garage to lock myself away from society again.

Meanwhile i have a gorgeous baby girl , that i dont want to be around !!! UMMM go figure. Fast forward 3-4 months the hardest months of my life all alone battling the mind , something has to break and it does ME......

I break down into a emotional slobbering mess in front of my partner , now i cant hide it anymore

She calms me down  

And i  tell her whats been happening , that excact second it feels as if  my whole torso looses all the built up pressure and tension ,

A massive relief i feel alot better than ive felt for a long time , 

To Be COntinued 

 

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

Hi @jimmy1982 

Welcome to the forums! I am most interested in your journey, however I'm sorry I cannot read it with every word started in caps, it is doing my head in just trying to read a small section. Is there a particular reason why you've written it this way? It's a bit like trying to listen when someone is shouting. 

Kind regards, 

Kristin

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

lol sorry ,is there a way i can edit it ?

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

Hi @jimmy1982, whatever you used at 8.24 changed the font.. Which helps me to read..
You've been on quite a rough journey, anxiety is a kick in the guts repeatedly, at least that's how panic attacks felt to me..
I am so glad you have opened up to your partner, and congratulations on becoming a dad.. Parenting can be really overwhelming in the early days, as there's a whole new perspective of love and responsibility that arrives..
Looking forward to reading how family life for the three of you is building, and you're amongst friends here...good on you for sharing your journey with us...

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

Hi Jimmy,

Yeah there is - if you look at the top of each of your posts there's a line with the date, and on the RHS is a "button" saying Edit (on my screen it's blue, rather thant the date text which is black). I hope this helps!

Kind regards, 

Kristin

PS even reading all lower case is easier then every first letter upppercase. 🙂

Re: Post Natal Depression In Men - It's Real , My Experience ( I apologise Seems Only 20% Of The Content Saved The Rest is Gone )

Thats Alot Easier to Read Now 🙂
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