Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Former-Member  .... please try not to carry guilt forward over not reporting the incident.  Your first commitment was to yourself, and other rapes have been reported, the perpetrator not caught, and other such crimes committed regardless, despite the person who suffered having done the “right” thing ..... it’s only the right thing if it’s right for you, and it wasn’t ..... because as you said, you would make the same choice now ..... and that choice was to take the very best care of yourself that you knew how.

Hugs n hugs n hugs n hugs .....

I have sometimes wondered whether, if I had left my mr. earlier, soon after his illness was triggered, perhaps that would have been the “right” way to manage our situation and it might have prevented the kids being triggered and much of the grief we have suffered ..... but in the back of my mind there is a knowing ..... a knowing that I was doing the best I knew how ..... and the scenario that I imagine could have been our best case scenario was only one of many, many possible scenarios across the last nine years ..... so the only “right” choices have been the ones that I have made, moment by moment, in the many moments that exist across that time ..... 

And I have to find the way forward in the same way ..... baby steps, and more baby steps ..... feeling my way as I go.

Keep strong @Former-Member, in every way you know how.  We walk together by the grace of these forums ..... and I am so pleased to know you.

💐💕💐💕💐💕💐💕💜

[Shaz51]

keep strong my sister @Former-Member 

I am sooo happy to know you xoxo

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Zoe7  and sorry its taken so long to respond to your post on 14th March.  I've been so slack!!!! 😥

I am so very pleased that you are now coping so well with your past traumas.  You have been so strong and so determined to overcome your past, and you are to be commended for doing that.  I know how hard you have worked on doing that.  And finally you are reaping the benefits of your supreme efforts.  Having the support of your MH team around you helps too, as does having the wonderful friends you've gathered around you here on the forums.

I realise we can never completely shake our past, I realise we will always fall occasionally. And yes that means immense anxiety, nightmares and flashbacks.  But as we go on, we do learn better how we can manage the 'falls' when they inevitably occur.  I know this is happening to me too.  But there are also times I just feel so totally fed up with my constant failures to withstand my MH pummeling.

Yes I too recall thinking in the aftermath of the rape that I just couldnt believe what had happened. Then I tried to push it to the back of my mind, to just forget ... but that just didnt happen.  I too was scared stupid that he would return.  I barrackaded myself in my own home and only snuck out for work.  That happened for months.

It was about 12 months after that, when I met my (now) husband.  I was very vulnerable at the time, needing someone strong, someone who I felt would protect me.  He was it.  I met him through my work, via a mutual friend. And our relationship was very slow to develop, but I got to trust him enough to finally go out with him to sporting events. Always met him there though, so I could remain independent and not beholden to him for anything.  That continued for some time.  But as I said, I needed someone strong and protective.  He certainly fitted the bill.  Our physical relationship was slow to evolve and had numerous 'difficulties' as you might imagine.  The first time I totally lost it, and needed to explain my reaction to him.  Thats when I told him a very abbreviated version of what occurred the year prior.  He was understanding and patient with me.  We made things work and we got married the following year.  Trust happened over time to allow us to have a meaningful relationship.  Unfortunately my trust was broken numerous times in the years since.  Mainly due to his narcissistic ways.  I forgive him that, because he forgave me my past.  I understand, I gave him a pretty raw deal.  I used him to keep myself safe in a way.  It was terribly unfair of me, but what is done ... is done.  I totally agree with you that trust is hard won, and just as hard to keep.  Sometimes it isnt worth the effort.

I'm not as confident as you sound, that we survive for a reason. I've done nothing since my 'survival', helped nobody, done nothing ... other than continue to survive.  I dont feel strong or courageous. Everytime I fail, I feel even less strong.  I have hope that one day things may improve, and thats what keeps me going I think.

Sherry 💕

[Zoe7]

You help people everyday here with your posts @Former-Member - do not underestimate how much strength it takes to write from the heart as you do or the far reaching help you give people reading with your writing. ...and whether you can see it or not you definitely help your family - sometimes that is hard to see when you are in the middle of the chaos constantly but we all here see that strength and courage in you every day.

Continuing to 'survive' is doing something Hon and you are a guiding light for others in how you get through what you are feeling and thinking. It is so hard for some to share their stories but you do it with openness and that helps others to feel less alone in their own journey ...that is pretty special Sherry. 

I know very well that feeling of looking over your shoulder constantly, of bunkering down and waiting for the ineviatable return - and more so the fear that the day will soon come when he will finish the job - living under that kind of fear is debilitating and that lasted for many, many years for me. Unlike you I did not form any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone after that - I simply could not trust anyone again. So I have so much respect for what you did to get through that period of your life. You may of not had the ideal realtionship but you did have the courage to even contemplate a relationship and that is amazing.

There is so much that you do everyday that helps others Hon and you need to give yourself more credit for everything that you do rather than questioning what you do not do - every part of the things you do for others screams courage and strength and I for one am very grateful that we have people like you in this world. 

[Former-Member]

@Faith-and-Hope and @Shaz51 - Firstly thank you for your lovely posts here on 14th and 15th March. Yeah I know, it has taken me a long time to get back to you all. Sorry. Kind of had my hands full with all thats been going on lately.

Yes its true that I should give myself a bit of a break about not reporting the rape at the time. The likelihood is that he did not go on to doing the same thing to anybody else. Which leads me to ask again - why then, me? So many questions, the answers to which I will never have. But I still keep scouring the news in the city which he lives, and due to his occupation I am able to keep tabs on him via the internet. It helps me to feel a little safer knowing he is a very long way from where I now live. I moved house several times after he assaulted me, all in a bid to try to feel safe and to reduce triggers. But it doesnt stop the occasional time where I 'imagine' I see him in the street, in a car alongside me, or in a shopping mall. That still occurs when I am already triggered and am in a hyper vigilant state. Sometimes its hard to convince myself that it really is not him. The mind plays dirty tricks on us at times aye? The mind is a powerful tool and can be used to great advantage, but it can also work against us at times.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing too. But as you rightly point out, thinking back ... I would not report even now. My work and personal circumstances prevented it, my state of mind prevented it. The same still applies.

For you ... yes, very true ... we manage the best way we can at the time, and with the information we have to hand at that time. You have so much to contend with, with your Mr F&H being undiagnosed, and so disruptive to the whole family, but resistant to any help. I dont know how you cope with it all. At least it sounds as though you are making some progress personally with your new counsellor, for which I am glad. Having someone to talk to is very important.

What you say is so true ... we do need to try to feel our way forward, like fumbling in the dark, and make those small baby steps as and when we can. These forums are a godsend, and without them and the wonderful people who comprise them, I may well have drowned in my own fear, misery and sense of aloneness.

So thank you @Faith-and-Hope and also @Shaz51, you two have been consistently supported me from the time I first joined. And yes I too am very pleased, and fortunate indeed, to have made both of your acquaintance.

@Zoe7 - Thank you so much ... you always know the right things to say, to make us all feel just a little better about ourselves. I do consider myself lucky that I managed to form a meaningful relationship with my husband after the rape the year prior. If I am proud of myself for one thing, its probably that. Mind you, I probably would not have made the choice I did regarding a husband, if it were not for the fact that I was feeling so vulnerable post-rape. What I orignally saw as strength, protectiveness, care .. turned out to be an intense jealousy and narcissism. He broke my trust and heart so many times of the subsequent years. There were the numerous affairs with other women, the many years of mental, psychological and physical abuse, the enforced isolation. Perhaps if I were in my right mind, I would have seen through all this before committing to marriage. But I think I have made the best I could of a bad situation. I just accepted that I was a broken person, inadequate and deserved the putdowns, the constant broken trust, the ridiculing. It becomes just a normal part of life over time. Now ... things are changing ... he needs me .. and I will be there for him. Just as he was there for me all those years ago, when I so desperately needed a strong hand of protection. The strong hand of punishment only came later.

Thanks also to @Former-Member @outlander @Sam3 @Starta @Peri @BlueBay for your ongoing support, even if just the occasional 'support button'. It all provides encouragement to press on, lets me to know I am being heard and understood and proves that I actually have a voice.

Sherry 💕

[Zoe7]

Sometimes we do what we need to do to get ourselves through a difficult experience @Former-Member You chose what was good for you at the time and now you are choosing to help your husband through what he is going through. I think we all have regrets and things we look back on and wish we could have done differently but we cannot change the past and can only live in the present with what we have now. We are indeed shaped by our past experiences thougth and that does make it difficult to feel like we can move forward in any meaningful way. I do think you are an amazingly strong woman - you have endured a lot throughout your life and yet you still have an enormous anount of compassion and care for others. You could have quite easily walked away from your husband also yet you have stayed to help him through his incresingly complicated health issues - that also takes strength Hon. Nothing but true admiration for you @Former-Member 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I find what you have chosen to do, in standing by your difficult and controlling husband, but choosing to hold your own space within that relationship, honerable @Former-Member .

I mistook my husband’s strength and personal attention for something other than what it turned out to be. - a controlling and manipulative nature - when we met and married ...... and yet I didn’t ...... in it’s softer form on the spectrum, it is living and protective, but if / when it triggers to a more aggressive state, the walls begin to close in and it feels like we are caught.  What you are doing is making it clear that you are not caught ..... you recognise that his strength has turned into a manipulative and controlling form of “care”, but you choose to work with it.  People with this disposition confuse live with ownership .... this I know ..... and manipulation for management of circumstances ..... very blurry lines on our side of the fence, one and the same on theirs.

I had a long period of time in my early marriage where that switch occurred, and controlling demands on my time, attention, personal space, values, ideas, ideals, etc were criticised, constrained, mocked, defied etc ..... but from my mother in law first, as instruction to her son, and I ended up battling them both in turn, to place boundaries on her and educate him ..... something that turned into an ongoing trickle that required constant maintenance ..... until the big switch ..... the master switch .... got flipped. 

That was our game-changer.  That has overturned our board and flung him into his mother’s arms and mindset.

I don’t know where we will go from here.  Much probably depends on whether we ever reach a diagnosis and treatment.  At the moment it feels like we have disconnected and are slowly drifting apart towards an almost-empty nest, which will probably result in more change.

EDIT:  

I just want to add, that I believe in any sort of abuse situation it is just as honorable to leave, in fact I consider it imperative if the level of harm crosses the boundaries of safety and manageability.  I didn’t write that in my post above initially,  cause I know we are all aware of it amongst ourselves, but there may be others here who are new to the forums, or reading along, who are not aware in the same way.  

I don’t excuse my husband’s behaviour when he is walking along what can sometimes be a blurry boundary, I choose to manage our outcomes this way for the time being.  When we have gone beyond the blurry, I have called in professional help to the capacity it was available to us, and if it had failed to re-set our boundaries, I would have left and managed the new circumstances I found ourselves in as best I could.

That’s how I view the choices you made @Former-Member ..... doing the very best you knew how to manage your changed circumstances and move forward ...... it was a brave and strong decision, and your husband worked with you through the early stages of your recovery.

💜💐

[Shaz51]

sitting with you my sister @Former-Member 

i have soo much to say, but find it hard to write it down

someone asked me today How am I coping with all  this -- amm  one foot infront of the other

[outlander]

@Former-Member 💕💕

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51  and @outlander 

Sorry for my ramble earlier.  I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself and a little alone right now.  I saw my psych a little over a week ago, and she is away on a family holiday at present.  So I wont be able to see her again for another few weeks. And given she is on holidays, I will not be emailing her as I usually do when she's not away.  She very kindly said I could .. but no, I wont be.

Hubby has had a difficult day today again.  He had improved somewhat after I increased his medications in an effort to have him well enough to go on his boys trip, which he returned from 5 days ago. The increased medication did pick him up enough that he was able to go on his trip, which is fantastic.  It did him the world of good to finally be able to get away from home for a few days. His mates took good care of him and he got home safely.  But it really took a lot out of him. The past few days he has appeared to go downhill again.  I was concerned enough last Thursday to phone his GP and ask to be seen urgently.  Which we did get in.  I explained what had been happening and how concerned I was that he may be developing immune mediated encephalitis again.  The GP said I had done the right thing by increasing his meds.  So that was a tick in the box.  He said I could increase it again, which I did from Friday.  But he agreed that he could do nothing, until such time as he sees the neurologist in 2 weeks time.  He asked if hubby felt unwell enough to go to the hospital.  He said no, because at that exact time, he was feeling a little better.  I had described to the GP him at his worst.  Hubby told me I was an idiot and it was nothing like that, and basically said he was fine.  This afternoon he has experienced a number of what I can best describe as mini-blackouts. Now he is demanding to be taken to the hospital tomorrow.  Little point if there is nobody there who knows what to do.  I said if he felt that bad, I would take him now.  No he said, tomorrow.  I just dont know any more.  Its still 13 days until we see the neurologist who comes up from Sydney.  We are really just in a holding pattern, hoping he stays semi-sane and physcially safe until such time as we see the neuro.

My Mum was diagnosed with cancer of the spleen about 11 days ago. Unsure if its primary or secondary.  She is to see a specialist and is waiting to hear about when she can get it to see them. The specialist will no doubt try to determine whether it is primary/secondary, treatment options and a likely prognosis.  So it is a waiting game there as well.

My sister in law had tests a little over a week ago for the new baby to determine any birth defects etc.  They were meant to get results back on Friday, but still waiting.  I spoke to my brother on Friday and he is becoming very anxious about things.  Hopefully they will hear something tomorrow, and that the news is good.  So thats another waiting game.

So everything thats important in my life, seems to be currently on hold.  Its hard, and I just feel constantly on edge and expecting bad news, which seems inevitable from one quarter or another.  I'm just always so tired.  If I could get a few days in a row of decent sleep I'm sure I would feel better.  But it just doesnt seem to be happening.  I'm sad all the time, teary, anxious, feeling resigned to bad news.

Sherry 🌸😢