Lived Experience Forum

[stayingsane]

Hi everyone. 

One of my fears is that talking about how I feel will depress other people. I hope I don't cause anyone upset. I am not going to act on suicidal thoughts that is not an option out for me, but to be able to express myself is also important.

Before I write how I feel, I want to say that I think despite my anxiety people I am close to think I'm a great person. They think I'm funny, courageous, loyal, compassionate, smart. As I don't easily let people in, this is probably a handful of people I am grateful for. But right now I feel like I don't know what my life is for.

I have had about 4 years of relatively stable mental health, ie. I consistently take medication, see my psychologist monthly, see my psychiatrist monthly, and though I've often felt sad lonely or anxious, I felt I would never go Back into full blown anxiety. And now here I am. Back there. I am angry this has happened, that I have stepped back, that I am again waking in the morning and feeling intense nausea and fear of the day ahead. So i've been staying in bed half the day. I am hiding from friends and family. I forget things, I am not interested in anybody or anything, I'm extremely jealous of everyone I know and feel guilty about that and compare myself to them, my anxiety makes me awkward and my depression is palpable and I feel contagious. People would say I am coping but I'm not. I am full of fear and anger at when will this pain stop, when can I breathe again. Do I have to go through this again?!

I am working and thats the only thing that is keeping me getting up every day. I find facebook a double edged sword, it helps me feel less lonely but also makes me feel lonely. I feel my life is slipping away and I am boring and have nothing to say, I just freeze with people, I don't want to tell my freinds because even though I have I'm so frustrated that they don't know how bad it is, they don't understand. I can't tell my parents or sister the extent of it because then they will watch me like a hawk. I feel an urge to escape, maybe to hospital, but I know that it hasn't really been a good treatment option for me in the past as it doesn't make much different being in hospital....the only thing it does is make people realise "oh, she really is sick and unwell and needs help, as it has got to the point of hospital." And I sort of want to go so they will know I'm desperate. Otherwise they ask me how I am, I say "oh,ok" and I'm really not at all ok. The worst thing is the thoughts of death, dying alone, being around happy people, the mornings, every moment of my day is twisted in fear. That's why I want to escape. TV is an escape for a bit. I feel weak in my body and don't want to exercise. I dont want to do anything but sleep. 

I'm sorry for all this ranting! Would anyone recommend calling a helpline, I've never done it but I kind of want to cry! But it's hard to cry. I sometimes cry when I'm talking to someone about my current state. 

I feel very low and my small amount of confidence has disappeared and I don't know how long into 2015 this will go. It's bloody lonely and I jsut want to be happy. 

Thankyou all. I don't know how we get through sometimes. 

[blithe]

Hello and welcome, @stayingsane,

It must be upsetting and frustrating to feel like you're backsliding to a place you don't want to be. But looking on the positive side - through your work and effort, you have a history of beating anxiety - four years of good mental health. You can get back there again, with the support of people like your psych and any friends or family that you choose to trust with information about how you're feeling right now.

Calling a helpline is a great idea. It can lift the burden of feeling that you need to keep how you're feeling to yourself, and if you want, they can also help you think through your options and what you'd like to do next.

There are a few available, including:
Lifeline — 13 11 14
Salvo Careline — 1300 36 36 22
Suicide Callback Service — 1300 659 467

Good luck, and please keep us posted on how you're going!

blithe

[Alessandra1992]

Welcome @stayingsane. This time of year can be really really hard, I think there are more than a few forum members who will relate to what you're going through..
I would also suggest calling suicide callback service, @blithe can you please post the number up?
Good on you for keeping to your work routine, that must be an act of endurance every day whilst you're feeling this way.

I am wondering though, is there any reason not to seek help from close friends or family? It is OK to be vulnerable, it is OK to go to hospital too if that's what you need to do..
And, you are still funny, courageous, smart, loving, despite the beast of anxiety...it is rearing its head because it's sometimes can do that, out of the blue. Bang! Crippled with panic has happened to me and reaching out was the only way through it.
Good on you for reaching out to us..can I ask, what have you used to live through scary thoughts and feelings in the past? Sometimes it is a second by second proposition, can you contact your psychiatrist or psychologist to make an appointment? Can you ring a trusted friend, this time of year can really heighten our feelings of not having achieved anything, or feel more isolated than usual if everyone else seems to be having a great time.

Have a Google of Will Hall, he's based in the States and has done some great work on living with suicidal thoughts and feelings.
Bev Aisbett is my guru for anxiety. Her books gave helped me a lot..
Keep reaching out here..we are listening...
If you'd like a virtual hug, here's an extra strong hug...

Sandy

[peace]

Hi @stayingsane. I want to say that I can so very much relate to your woe of fear and the crippling effects of morning. The frustration and fear of sliding backwards into the suffocating anxiety of life. The worry of being trapped there for an undetermined amount of time.
I have found comfort here in this forum. I hope you do too.

[Loopy]

All and sundry,

Where do I go?
When I'm feeling so lost and I don't want to be found.
When I'm looking and listening for that peace in my heart.
But I know I'll never hear that sound.
Where do I go?
Where do I go when I'm trying to laugh but all I can do I cry?
I'm trying to keep on living because I'm not ready to die.
Where do I go because the sun never seems to shine?
Can you give me my life back it's not yours it's mine?
How do I keep going, how do I fight this fight?
I'm tired of feeling beat down, but I'm trying with all my might!
Where do I go when my head hangs so low?
Please give me an answer because I just don't know!
Where do I go?
Does it take very long?
For me to find that peace and a place where I belong.
I need you to help me, help me to take a stand.
I'm scared to do it by myself, will you please take my hand?
Where do I go? Where do I go? Where do I go?
Do you know?
 

loopy

[blithe]

Thanks @Alessandra1992 , good suggestion. I'll add that number to my post.

blithe

[BatGuano]

Hi stayingsane,

Thanks for getting me to track down the quote:  "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation"

-Henry David Thoreau

What Thoreau was leading up to was that its also possible to be free of desperation.

So you're not alone.  It may be dark where you are, but its also a large and well-populated place.

I've been in much the same state of mind as you.  The holidays when society goes into party mode, ugh.

I've found that moods can be cyclical, like in astrology where the planets orbit through one's constellation.

Or like in psychology.  People react to an event in ways that they've learnt to from previous events.

I thought I'd had my crazy-time, and it wouldn't come back.  But as the saying goes; 'In stress, we regress'.

Hello crazy-time, back again I see.

There's a story whose origin is lost that's often helpful:

Many clients ask me, “Why does psychotherapy take a long time?”
I’d like to illustrate the answer to that with a short story called ‘The autobiography’

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I do not see the hole. I fall in the hole. It is very deep, and at the bottom where I lay broken, it is dark and cold. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. Its familiar and quite cosy. I can’t get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I fall down the hole. I want to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I am walking down the road. I dread falling down the hole. I fall down the hole. And I look up and decide to get out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I think, “oh, ha ha, no, no, I’m not falling for that again!”. I fall down the hole. I start climbing out.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. I try not to, but I fall in the hole again. I get back out straight away.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I see the hole as I walk down the road. My foot slides and I fall in the hole again, but I do not hit the bottom. I cling on to the side and get out of the hole.

I walk down the road. There is a hole in the road. I step over the hole. I do not fall into the hole.

I walk down a different road.

I found this story by typing 'I fall down a hole in the road' into my search engine.  (Google is a search engine.)

Hope this helps.  Believe me, my  and many s are with you.

[stayingsane]

thankyou.

it IS very frustrating to feel a backwards step! scary and horrible. i do have a history of beating this, and since the last episode i did DBT and i THINK i learnt skills there....its just in a panic i go "ummmm what did i learn again?!"

days are actually getting harder. it saw good to see my psych. today. but it was on skype! which was really weird, but she's overseas. i appreciate her effort to talk to me while she's on holiday. i just feel my anxiety is so high i wanted her to say "maybe you could go to hospital" i wanted someone to say i could do that, i think. but my mum is overseas and i dont want her to worry about me.

i have never called a helpline, despite working in mental health and recommending it to clients. i think sometime in the next few days i will call lifeline.

thankyou for the support im glad i posed on here because it is so hard to know if people you know understand what you are saying. they said "i know how you feel i have depression sometimes too" and i think no! you don't know how i feel! and my functioning is getting worse! they do not know. i almost want someone to feel it with me so im in it with someone.

[stayingsane]

thankyou.

are these helplines free by the way? from a mobile phone?

its interesting, i am finding work the only think that keeps me going. knowing im going to get paid and have some money in the bank next week gives me a lift. at least ill feel wealthy while the money is there!

i think yes watching others having fun makes it harder.

i did cry to my sister last night and she cried and gave me a hug. she is trying to support me. it was so good to cry i was so exhausted after crying. i also think i needed the hug.

i know 2015 is already tomorrow.....but im hopinh i wake up a better version of myself! one can hope. hope is essential.

[stayingsane]

if someone said to me "ruby this panic will stop on January 15th" it would be easier to get through it! there's a determined end date!

i listened to this amazing speech last night that as on the radio, i recommend it.

If you Google - 

Andrew Solomon Opening Address at Sydney Writer's Festival 2014

he speaks with so much emotion, and is such a great storyteller, its so good