Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Cat]

Where do I start? I have a 33 year old son who suffers from mental, drug and gambling issues.
We have been aware of these issues for the past 3 years in which time I feel that my husband and I have been there for him although he disagrees. He is a very complex person, very intelligent and manipulative.
We have 4 children and feel we have treated them all the same. We have always been there for them and given them the best we could. The whole thing blew up about 3 years ago when my sons marriage broke up. We have known for many years that our son suffered from very severe anxiety but I think he hid it quite we'll. He used to frequent our local club most nights coming home in the early hours. Anyway when the marriage broke up he came back to us but he was out of control. To cut a long story short we eventually managed to get him to a rehab place for 3 weeks and once out he seemed to be motivated to working on himself by go to meetings for drugs and gambling addictions. He is on medication for his mental issues. He had a relapse and went back to rehab on is own accord but came home sooner than we expected saying they let him go because ther was nothing else they could do for him. Again for some time he seemed to be doing all the right things. In amongst all this he lost everything and accumulated tens of thousands of gambling debts which we had to pay for. He lives with us but blames my husband more so than me and his brother for his problems. His brother has done well professionally and is financially well off and I think this is the reason for his problem with him. As far as his father is concerned he hates the fact that his father may offer him advice. About a week ago he approached his brother for money which he gave to him and asked that he not tell us. We were told because he brother felt that he needed to be helped. Anyway this did not go down well with him sending his brother very hurtful and abusive messages and as far as we are concerned he does not want to discuss it and got very angry tonight when we asked where he was going . He has been sending awful messages to my husband as we'll. The bottom line is that we do not know what to do or say to him as everything seems to antagonise him saying that we are a dysfunctional family that we have treated him differently . He blames us for all his problems and it's getting to the stage where my husband and I are turning on each other. Ther doesn't seem to be anymore happiness in our home, just a fake smile on our faces when need be.

[-karma-]

Welcome @Cat 

thanks for sharing.

It sounds as if things have reached breaking point, and you and your husband are in the firing line!

Of course you have done what most parents would do, and extended the invitation for him to come back home, unfortunately this has placed you at the front line of this 'war'.

Who's supporting you at the moment Cat?

I feel that it's important for you to also seek advice and support around managing his behaviour, in conjunction with his own support. If the plan is to continue to allow him to stay, I imagine you will need to set some boundaries around his behaviour and outbursts, and have a consistent approach in doing this, (which may mean enlisting the support of other family members). This wont be easy, which is why I suggest support.

Approaching your GP requesting a referral to see a psychologist under the a mental health care plan, is one approach. Another could be contacting your local community health centre, which often addresses issues regarding mental health, gambling, drinking etc and provides support at a low cost, or may even run support groups.

His debt must be placing a huge strain on him, and ultimately contributing to his psychological health. Has he address this in anyway Cat? His issues are multi pronged, however he would not be alone in this. These are both highly prevalent issues in society generally.

Would you consider contacting psychiatric services and attempting to make a referral for case management for him, given his presentation is not strictly anxiety, and in most likely interrelated, and as such demanding a coordinated management approach?

Another option could be to contact Gamblers help line?

Gamblers helpline

1800 858 858

http://www.responsiblegambling.vic.gov.au/getting-help/ways-to-get-help/phone

This is a Vic. service, but it appears that most states have a similar service.

I  really encourage you to get support Cat, in whatever format suits you best.

Best wishes.

[Cat]

Thank you for your suggestions but my son is unapproachable. He doesn't want to talk about his issues other than to say its our fault. You know when he first went to rehab (South Pacific private) he said to us that in theraphy they wanted to ascertain what went wrong in his childhood and he said to us that he told them he had a normal childhood. As time went on and he saw more therapists it was like they were digging to find something. One day he said to me "do you remember the time when dad made me sit in front of a milkshake until I drank it". As though this had shaped the outcome of his life. We would do anything for him to be well but he won't let us in. He is full of anger towards us. This makes me very sad and am constantly worried and scared for him. Our lives have been put on hold and we cannot move forward. As far as the money is concerned we have never asked for it back and do not care so long as he was well. If anything we still help him out if he needs it. I feel like we have lost him and it breaks my heart.

[hopeandsupport]

heck Feeling hopeless, this all sounds so familiar.  blaming yourselves.  tough love!  but i know it's not easy.  i wouldn't give him the money for a start.  my daughter has a mental illness, not quite the same as your son but you can't do it on your own and  you can't turn him away i know. and don't let it ruin your marriage.  i am not married but i have lost a relationship because of it. your life is important too.  i go to a support group, have about four professional people i can ring for advice, and i call the ambulance if i have to.  i know it might not be appropriate in your circumstance, but if your son is doing drugs he probably should be in some sort of facility.  you can't do it on your own.  when i look back i should have called the ambulance more often, instead of trying to do it on my own, believe me they don't mind.  in your son's case unless he is threatening you it's difficult, maybe he should be in hospital where he can be stabilised to start with.  my daughter has a case manager and psychiatrist at our local mental health clinic, who are invaluable i don't known what i would do without them.

[hopeandsupport]

hi Cat

i know what it feels like to be scared and worried.  i completely sympathise with you.  my daughter was suicidal and when they are in that state, angry and psychotic, all you can think about is keeping them alive.  just so you don't go downhill, like me, get as many people on board as you can, you will feel the weight lift off your shoulders, and realise that no it is not your fault, you're doing the best you can. all the best.

[Tight-Control]

Hi @Cat,

My son 20 has just been admitted under a section 4 ( involuntary Hospitalisation ).

We had a major incident weekend just past, he became very violent his life has spiralled out of contriol.

Part due to his mentla illness and trigger by events he had no control over , no control ones are his fiancee left, he has been diagnosed with a sever lung disease, and he has lost his jog all in a spcae of 3-5 minths. This has overwhelmed him and he is not well enough to make sound decsions at the moment.

He has an unconfirmed diagnosis Pshcotic/depression/ possible Bi Pola ( I am Bi pola myself)

A lot of what you said rung true to me . My son blames me for a lot of his problems . My genetics, favouring another child over him and a lot of other things. This was very hard to hear but I understand it is his illness that is making him see things that way. 

My wife and I are seeing a councelor today to debreif around our descion to have police involved and the section 4. We are feeling a massive mix of guilt, relief and  anger. All mixed up and making me feel like being sick at any moment.

Getting support from extrenal professionals is great as they are not directly involved and can offer grest advice and referals to other supports.

I wish you the best on your journey and you always have undestaning people on these forums.

[MIFANTCARER]

I can see why your heading says "Feeling Hopeless", I have been and am currently a carer for my Grandfather with Schizophrenia and now for my Dad with Bipolar.

 It has been a long road that seems ongoing. Dad isn't too bad, he has good days and bad day's but really quiet manageable. Pop was another story. He was very agressive, had massive financial issues and would often tell people I was hurting him and stealing money from him, so many lies. He would say the most horrible things, none true and he would yell abuse at me. I was often scared and had no idea what to do. I was only 27 and found it hard, why would someone that I loved and that I knew loved me back hate me so much, especially when all I was doing was trying to help.

 n my case Pop was finnally put into a mental ward and placed on a community order reciving regular injections allowing him to calm enough to access services.  Now he moved into a nursing home and now 10 years later I find myself carring for my Dad, but with better knowledge and skills.

I can't tell you how your story will turn out or let you know that it will be okay, for me it was stressfull and a massive strain on evertything, marrage, children, work and my own mental health. The only help or advice I can give you is PLEASE look after yourselves. Acess Carers services,  take time out and spend time by yourself and your relationships with partners, family and friends.

We often are so overwhemed by the person we are caring for that we forget to care for ourselves. Call a carer service today, you will find your local contact numbers on the web under CARERS (insert State) or Mental illness fellowship (insert State) I hope this can help change Hopelss to supported.

Good Luck

[NikNik]

Hi @Cat ,
I saw your post a couple of weeks ago and was just thinking of you.
How are things travelling at the moment?
Nik