Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[DeeElysia]

@Loulou83

I can defiantly relate to everything you said. Yes, a rollercoaster to say the least..

I see a psychologist once a week. Missed the last two weeks due to cold etc.. but I haven't found it as helpful as id hope too. 😔

I having trouble figuring myself out and why I cant just come to a decision to still "try" and make it work dispite everything, or "move on".

I think about what if it was my daughter what advise would I give her?... and my answer everytime is to walk away. One child in a toxic environment is enough, one parent unable to fully give 100% is enough. Over ten years invested walk away.
Well that's what is say. Look after yourself your falling apart and your daughter needs you.
Even if that's not having daddy live with us.

Then I try to picture 2,5,10 years from now. What if its still the same... not worse just same. Can you see yourself still coping .. trying being happy? And the answer everytime is no..

Why the heck am I still going in circles? Hope.. I guess. But the reality is it.
Im scared I don't know any different.. I've been with this man since 16 years of age. My first love.
I dont rely on anyone else.

I feel guilty that I just can't be stronger, deal with it like a winner. Be the wife he needs and stop pushing him away because I'm embarrassed.. 😭
Yes. I'm embarrassed by my husband. My heart breaks. I cant even give myself fully to love him like I once did. Hold his hand while out in public .. I don't see him like I once did.

It's been a year and I thought I'd feel stronger .. more understanding about everything but I dont.
I catch myself "looking over the fence"..
Wishing to just be strong enough and realise thst I just can't do this anymore, it's breaking me.
Every inch of me. Why can't I just let go? I feel guilty abandoning a person at their lowest.. even if it means I'm last and breaking more? I guess so.

Now I feel pathetic. Sounds like it's all about him. The relationship. Where is my beautiful blessing my gorgeous 3 year old in this.? I need to think of her. What's best for her. What will affect her what does she need from me. And eveb though the answer seems clear now, it's shadowed, by my pain, resentment, confusion, unhappiness for her father. Then I see her eyes light up when she sees him. Knowing how I grew up without a father, the abandonment I felt. Pain. Tears.
And I try another day, week, month the viscous cycle continues and I think I'm doing what's best for her. But maybe I'm not??? Maybe it's for me? Because I'm scared... to be lonely, I don't know no different, I rely on his income, even just knowing I'm not home alone. I think that's where it makes sense.

So I decided to woman up. Hes refuses help. Meds, counselling... I cant try no more. I have to stop with the excuse and letting him walk on me.
Good person great father.. But broken mother I cant be. So I plan to do it alone with my daughter.. I cant push him out yet. I'm trying to organise myself. Work and car.. stability in the next couple of months .

It has broken me. But he broke my heart. I'd like to think I will be giving my all to my daughter and she won't hate me for it one day. 😔👭💔

[M123]

This happened to me last year. My husband started having delusions about infidelity and no amount of logical or reassurance would dissipate those thoughts. The thoughts to an outsider were absurd i.e. mutiple men sneaking into the house. I learned that you cannot talk someone out of delusion. For them it is real because the part of the brain which tells you plausible from implausible occurances malfunctions. You can only help him find a doctor who will give him meds and talk therapy. My husband also ended up with panic attacks and sleeping problems. You cannot tell him that he needs to see a doc about his delusions. Tell him he needs to see the doc about his sleeping or panic disorder. It does not get better on its own. Unfortunately we are now seperated and even though he has started functioning well in life, the delusion remains. Unlike other mental disorders, delusions can be compartmentalised.

[M123]

This situation sounds like mine. I have a 9 year old daughter and I was torn up with what happened. It can take a terrible toll on the non delusional spouse. My emotions range from anger to bitterness to feeki g sorry for my husband. One thing is for sure. Things get better after seperation. There are dark days but focus on what remains not what you left behind. Think of it as living life over again. I know it is devastating but you are all victims of this disease and no one is to blame

[Demi]

So true about the emotional roller coaster. Words of reassurance are well timed. Thanks for posting.

[Amberlulu]

Good morning all,

Have just been reading about the careers experience of delusional disorder. My heart goes out to all of you, it really is one of the toughest things to deal watching a loved one going through this. 

I am replying as someone who experienced delusional disorder. After 3 years, yes three years of confusion, torture and pain upon myself and loved ones I can say this was the most embaressing and regretful experience I have gone through. 

Only now after two psych ward admissions, medication and regular psych therapy sessions have I come to realise what was happening to my mind. 

No one was able to convince me otherwise at the strongest point of the delusions. Yes, seemingly intelligent, and caring person, I began to strongly disassociate from my world and was all consumed with the overriding thoughts. I broke down my marriage, isolated myself from many close friends and became extremely suicidal and confused. I'm not sure if any of this helps. Sadly the only person that could assist me out of the delusion was my own decision to eventually try and be well despite still experiencing the delusions. Love and support from my parents and close friends was important and kept me alive until the delusions passed. Many people walked away from me also which made me begin to question my reality and seek assistance. Serious post natal depression and previous mental health issues from a broken childhood I believe contributed to this experience. 

I'm in recovery now and all I can say is "wow, how embaressing and painful towards my loved ones". Even though in recovery I understand I had become unwell and part of it isn't my fault but you do wish you were strong enough to not have put yourself and others through this torture. 

Sending love to all going through this, it is not an easy thing to do to watch someone you love decline in their mental health to this degree. Hold that hope that recovery is possible but it is something that the person suffering needs to decide, when their whole world breaks down and there is no other answer as to why, except that the delusions had caused these breakdowns and to begin to see them as a created experience from the brain rather than reality

[Shaz51]

Hello @Amberlulu, @Loulou83, @Demi, @M123, @DeeElysia

how are you today ? sending you hugs and love to hear from you

[faithful1]

Hi, your story sounds similar to mine. My partner of 27 years atarted accusing me of having multiple affairs with both people I knew and random strangers about five years ago. I had no idea what this was and why this happened. A couple of years went by and I thought everything was ok, until 6 months ago, I was away working and had a feeling something wasnt right.

I quit my job and told him I was coming back and he told me not to be stupid and I had to stay at the job. 

Then he said he knows I have a boyfriend and I have been caught out and he told all my kids I have been having an affair and we are separating. I couldnt even defend myself as I was interstate. I left to go home the next day and was devistated as to what he had told my kids.

He presented a whole lot of ridiculous "evidence" that I proved wrong and stupid, but he doesnt see that and says if I "admit" what I have done, we can go back to normal. 

He has been away working for 6 months and I havent spoken to him for months because it always comes back to "me and my boyfriends"

He is a great dad, other than his hate for me and I listen to his phone conversations with our kids, and he sounds completely normal.

He is coming back soon and I am really not looking forward to this, but we have to sort our property matters and look to our future lives apart.

My main question to my self is, will this continue in his life and future relationships and will this get worse.

There is no way he thinks he has a problem. 

It is just me  😞

[s-jay]

Welcome @faithful1 - I'm so glad you found us and were able to share your experiences here. You've got a lot of strength to make it through all of that...

I just wanted to jump on quickly and say welcome, and I know some of the others will jump in shortly too....

[faithful1]

Thanks  

I just wanted to hear from any others that have been through this 

I have confided in a couple of friends but they dont really understand, I dont blame them I dont understand this myself how someone could go from a loving partner to an unfeeling monster who can look right through me and call me a liar and a s**t.

[Josiebee]

Hi All and Faithful1 I feel your pain... no-one understand unless they see it with their own eyes.

I wish I had found this forum 3 yrs ago, I looked everywhere for support and to connect with other people who were going through this totally exhausting, heartbreaking, confusing experience!!!

Id like to share my story and support others if I can, below is the short version haha

I wanted to leave my husband of 25yrs and took him to marriage councilling after years of trying to fix things between us. He had anunloving childhood and couldnt express any kind of love or affection etc. and I just gave up on us. Within a week of marriage councillling he changed and became desparate to fix or marriage, this was welcomed but felt odd and exaggerated. i felt very uncomfaortable recieving affection from him after never experiencing it before but embraced it nevertheless.

We were to go on a trip O/S for my brothers wedding in NYC and on the morning we were to leave I woke up with him jumping out of bed racing around the room saying he couldnt go. To cut a very long story short 2 days into our trip he woke up and called the police (we were in LA) told them to come quick, I was having an affair and the hotel room was bugged and I was plotting to have him put in jail or to have him killed.

I have 4 children 3 of them were with us at the time and being teenage boys they pretty much slept through this debacle and were more interested in going to Dennys to eat then wondering where their Father had gone with the police....

Anyway thats were is started and we had to return home after 4 dyas as he kept calling the police during the night. I missed my brothers wedding but was so confused and scared for my husband and what he was doing that we and to return home asap.

For 3 months my husband became more and more deluded and paranoid and in return dangerous. He had never been an emotinal or angry man and now he was very angry and my children and I became frightened.

I was able to eventually find a pyschiatrist who properly diagnosed him with paranoia/delusional disorder and he started taking meds. I saw glimpses of the man he used to be but after 5 weeks on meds he thought he was cured and went off them to become more violent than before and I had to leave with my 2 youngest children my two adult children stayed in the home with him for a while.

Fast forward to now (3yrs later) all my children reside with me for over a year now and have not stayed with him since January 2018. All my children are scared of him as he has at one time or another physically hurt them, my daughter has been trying to see him occassionally till she had to call the police on him last week and now she is done. 

My daughter said to me last night it would have been easier if he had just died as the Dad they grew up with has gone but is still physically here, this made me cry.

Eveyday still i wish I could talk to him and help him but he wont listen, believes ive been having affairs and now wants a DNA test to see if the kids are his. I dont have very much communication with him but need to keep calm and in contact as we go through an impossible settlement. He hasnt helped finacially with the kids and we have debt collectors knocking on my door as we own property together but i have very little income. Its such a mess and I feel it is never goign to end, he will ever get help and the children will never get their dad back ..... he is gone!

Thank God for my beautiful children afmily and friends anf forums like these with people suffering as I am x