Lived Experience Forum

[ConfusedNAnxiou]

I recently separated from my ex after a rough 6 months.

Despite my constant prodding and reminding, he did not seek help for his depression during this time. And as a result, our relationship was neglected and my mental health started to be affected as well.

Following the deterioration in my own health, we separated. And only then did my ex decide to start working on himself and seek the appropriate support.

I still care for him deeply, and should he be the man I fell in love with once again, I don't want to miss out on another opportunity with him.

But how can I protect myself from being hurt? Obviously I need to take things slow and really assess his progress, but unlike so many others in his situation, he seems to be working on himself.

My parents saw the hurt he put me through, and would be reluctant to see me reunite with him. But I wouldn't reunite with him unless visible changes were evident.

We have stopped communication for now to allow us to respectively heal and not rely on each other in these moments. But hope to meet up soon, in the new year.

Any advice on how to proceed? I want to be a strong independent person and really make my own decisions regarding starting a slow friendship with a possibility of progressing back to where we were.

[Owlunar]

Hi @ConfusedNAnxiou 

I'd like to take this chance to welcome you to the forum - I am sure you will find some help and support here

Maybe this man isn't the one - he hasn't sought for himself - you can't make him and you really need to care for youself first and get yourself strong and independent

There are a lot of women around - I am one of them - who have left partners behind - and I have found life better alone - why not try to get better yourself by youself with whatever help you can access and see what happens in the future

And I wish you the best - breaking up is one hard task 

Dec

[ConfusedNAnxiou]

Hi Dec, 

I do acknowledge the effect this whole process has had on me, and as such I elected to separate and stop communication for the time being. To have a proper break.

The thing is, before his depression, he was amazing, and he is now working on himself. His depression came as a result of a long term illness, and he has now sought to get help for his depression as well as take a proactive approach to his health. 

I know that he has a long road ahead of him in terms of recovery, and so I wouldn't want to rush into anything with him myself. I also need time to heal, and gain my sense of identity again. I did really lose myself in the midst of trying to keep him well. 

So any progression with him would be slow, and I would have boundaries in place. I just don't want to miss out on having my best friend back to his best self, and all that involves (like having our little family unit with our pets together again).

My family has seen how hurt I was when this all went down, but I know it was his depression and not necessarily his true self. So he needs to show me and my family a great improvement too. 

We have agreed to meet up in the new year, and this where I want to be able to be my best self and assess things objectively. 

So my process is this:

- No contact or communication till the New Year.

- Meet up early in the year and just talk. Get up to speed with each other's progress.

- If he has been taking active steps, then just keep in friendly contact with no pressure or strings, and take things slow. 

Any advice would be great. 

I know I have been hurt by his actions, but if there's hope, I don't want to lose that. 

[frog]

Hi @ConfusedNAnxiou 

Your process sounds really measured and sensible to me. It seems like you are remaining open and maintaining boundaries at the same time.

Your parents' concern is only natural and without trying to predict anything, maybe if they saw real change in him it could change their perspective.

If you do decide to become closer again, you could be in a position to redefine the relationship and what you want (and don't want) from it.

Patience and self care are important whatever happens. 

Wishing you well.

[ConfusedNAnxiou]

Hi Frog, 

Thanks for your very considered reply. I truly appreciate it. 

It has become hard lately because I still do love him, but I know that the person he is now, isn't who I need him to be at the moment in order to be in a relationship.

But he has such a good soul and from the moment we met, we had such a strong connection. I don't want to turn my back on that completely. 

And thank you for saying that self care is important. I'm learning that, and know I need to keep myself centred and not drain myself for the benefit of others too much. 

It has been difficult because I have felt guilty for loving him still when my parents continue to reinforce that I shouldn't. I need to start learning ways to remove my parents' opinions from my subconscious.

But if they see me approaching everything logically and some changes in him, there may be hope after all. 

On a personal note, I am actively participating in some self care practices. I am engaging in activities and am seeing a psychologist as well, to help work through my thoughts and strategise the things that I want. 

I guess this is also dependent on how he feels when we meet up too. This break in communication is to provide each other with some clarity on the decisions we want to make. 

Would love to hear from you again.