Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Looking after ourselves

Change123
Senior Contributor

Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

Hi All

This seems to be a pattern of mine, when thngs are going really good and I'm feeling good its like I forget all the things my partner tells me NOT TO DO and I dont think, I just do them without realising it (automatically) and then once its too late I realise and apologise but obviously its too late.  Even my partner says that whenever he is extra nice, he regrets it later as it seems to make me worse with certain thing but when I'm distressed I do everything right?  He even said to me its like I need to be at crisis point with hime freaking out at me before I start to take things in.

Does anyone else have experience with this and how do you over come it?

 

 

 

8 REPLIES 8

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

Hi @Change123,

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way, especially when you are feeling like you are confident in how you are dealing with your BPD it sounds like you are really trying, you mentioned it's like you are on automatic, what does that mean? Is it like you automatically respond when asked things, like you don't think before you say them or something?

Lunar

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

@Lunar Hi

Thats exactly what I mean, its like I dont get a chance to think first my mouth opens and it comes out.  There doesnt seem to be a filter if you know what I mean.  Maybe I'm more relaxed so the problem is when I'm relaxed I'm not being mindful or seeing the pattern?

Hope that makes sense.

 

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

Yes that makes complete sense, especially if you are around someone who cares for you, you are more likely to feel comfortable and not think before speaking. It must be tiring being consistantly mindful of what you are going to say all the time, some times people just need the space to speak their mind, but unfortunately this is affecting your partner.

I think everyone makes mistakes in regards to this type of communication but as long as you are aware of it and that it affected someone else and apologise then that it great. You are only human 🙂

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

Thanks @Lunar

In my other post I just wrote and this is a perfect example of what happens, even when I type a post I'm typing what I'm thinking and then when I look at it I have typed some completely different words which changes the meaning to the complete opposite eg I used inthe other post "I feel very confused"and I initially typed without realising it "I'm not confused"????

Just feel like I'm losing the plot. 😞

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

I find journalling helps get things out so they're not just under the surface like a pressure cooker waiting for its first release. I think to, if ya like me, we're not always aware of what's on our mind/heart/subconscious, just niggling away at us (good or bad), when we speak - guess what comes out? I find this happens a lot in a therapy (did I just say that?). I think too, we just want to be heard, validated - especially with pivotal people in our life (like husbands, partners etc), but some just can't handle it do we need to find other ways of expression. For peace we do need to comprise a lot in relationships. Maybe he could allow you airing time on a difficult topic for 20min once a week or something (just a thought), my hubby use to put me off and never get back to it. Of cause he concluded I was the one being 'unreasonable' He refused to go to any more relationship counselling so, well, needless to say, things got worse and we parted ways. Guess choosing your battles is important. Take a deep breath, ask uourself - does this 'really' matter at this point in time? Is it worth spoiling the moment? Thinking before we speak is a discipline, I doubt you have terrets syndrome lol. But Only you can really know WHY, the motive behind your own words, timing & content?

I have found the forums a good place to get things off my chest. Perhaps you could tell us the issue, not so much for what we'd say back but so you are heard & processing it. Articulating things does help our mind come yo terms with things, helps us be more objective on the matter, separate emotion a bit and link up the why's and wherefores. That's why I journal, because I so lonely, but the forums, this evolves that lonely process of journalling. If ya game to open up.
Sorry if I'm long winded. You got me thinking 🙂

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

Thanks @Former-Member

I dont have an issue with opening up I'm just worried he will know its me and can recognise the post then all hell will break out because to him I breaking a boundary doing this in his eyes - hence why I just changed the photo incase it helps to recognise me.  I know he gets support from some forum not sure where so I need to be careful. I know that doesnt make it easy for others to help me and give me perspective properly but I cant chance it. 😞

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

Oh dear, try not to be hard on yourself. Its hard having the personal insecurity of MI (what's real what's not etc) without also having power play people around us. So relate to just wanting to disappear into a cocoon.
Also, as complex humans, I believe we can in fact experience polar opposites at the same time, especially when we are fragmented by trauma. Parts of us can be so "confused" whole other parts are "totally not confused" (my inner child still has some growing yo do), Bit like we have 2+ heads we jump in and out of. Sometimes we need a conversation with yourself to resolve a matter, yo know which one takes precedence. It can be exhausting staying on top of our own feelings, but you're trying so go easy on yourself. If I were to tell you what to do, I'd say:
- Different mindfulness exercises (especially self awareness, body etc).
- relationship & individual counselling (your man sounds like a piece of work, I wouldn't put up with that).
- fresh air, sunshine, walks, hugs, joyful activities, craft, nutritious food, prayer, common interest groups...

What are you doing today?

Re: Why do I mess up when I'm feeling confident?

I'm at work presently trying to keep out the way of the owner, dont need her crap today.

When I get home play with my beautiful boy (dog) and try and keep out of the way and have a peaceful night.  Need an early night have had no sleep last few days due to anxiety and feeling it today.  If i dont get good sleep its starts to effect my mental health and I'm feeling like I need to go to sleep early - whether he lets me or not (ie starts another round).  Tried counselling together worked for a while then the counsellor decided I needed more one on one help (before I was diagnosed with BPD) and he felt rejected by them as after I think 5 couple sessions and 5 one on one the counsellor wanted to see me only.  He now has no faith or desire to get more and he doesnt want to broadcast our personal life. I think the reason I put up with the crap is that I feel responsible for it - there is no doubt when I was younger  I was a complete handful looking back and becuase I wasnt diagnosed till just 5 years ago I just blundered through life.  Always knowing something is wrong but never getting it diagnosed properly, ie I had anxiety and depression but that was it until then. I feel I have given him a some PTSD as thats how he reacts to certain things because of history.

Maybe just too much has happened between us and we when its the right time (ie. I'm stronger) we need to go our separate ways but there are financial and many other things to consider before I do that.  I cant just walk out it would make my situation worse.

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance


Mental Health Australia All rights reserved.