Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

hey @NatureLover  I'm okay.  thanks xx

you know i think the hardest thing is my mum not validating any of this at all.  after 'that day' i walked out and we didn't speak for 4 years.  i still believe to this day that my dad has no idea what went on that day; because she made sure he wasn't home when she asked me to go over. and her reason when i asked where dad was is 'oh he doesn't want to see you or hear what you have to say'!!!!  Yeah that's what she said.

any girl being abused would want their own mum to put their arms around you and protect you; just tell you something.

anyway, it is what it is now - but i sometimes feel like lashing out; this anger and deep deep hurt from her still gets to me. who knows maybe one day i will tell her about my brother; or just let it all out and tell her exactly how i feel; that she didn't love me when i so needed her. 

i just don't know .......

[saltandpepper]

@NatureLover I know what you mean. I read it and just checked off that list. Comforting but also, big, need time to process it. I'm sort of aware within myself that a lot of my present physical and mental state is attributed to trauma. But I hadn't realised the depth of the impact. It's interesting, but also unsettles me a bit. I'm a bit concerned that the concept of one day being able to understand/accept/remember/process everything has just flown out the window. And as it sinks in, it's kind of hitting me a bit. Just, alot of the other struggles I've had--for example memory or education--are perhaps also attributed to trauma. It doesn't feel good knowing it's had such a widespread impact.

And yeah, the positive feedback thing, I get it. I used to be an absolute wreck with that. I remember going through some old school report cards from when I was a kid, teachers always said that I got hung up on things needing to be perfect, to the point where I'd get behind in class. I wouldn't move on to the next thing until I was sure my work was perfect. There was a note from a teacher in one of them saying I needed positive reinforcement at home to help with my self esteem. Kind of hurt reading that. Because I can't remember a lot of my childhood so when things like that pop up it feels like a fresh wound. Even as a little kid, I felt like I wasn't good enough. And if I ever received that "constructive criticism" I'd spiral. Immediately feeling like a failure, like I wasn't good enough. It's bringing some stuff up for me, writing this post. One memory, one clear memory. A little kid trying to please their parent, wanting to be told they are good, wanting to feel... loved. And being completely crushed when that didn't happen. When the opposite happened. And nothing was ever good enough, nothing even mattered to them. It was like... mm. Anyway. Yeah. I mean when a teacher has to tell your parents to praise their child. That's not a good sign. And that message has stuck with me, I'm not good enough so what's the point in trying? Fu*k me. It's not easy when you put something together and see the wave of destruction it's caused throughout your life.

[saltandpepper]

Far out @BlueBay you have had your hands and your feet full! Even though it's going to emotionally challenging, seeing her move out, I hope it lifts some pressure of your shoulders. That's so much responsibility you have there, well done in taking on so much but man, it must be exhausting for you. Maybe there will be some positives innbaving a few less people about the place? A little bit less pressure?

[BlueBay]

totally get what you're saying @saltandpepper 

feel for you xxoo

[saltandpepper]

Ah shit @BlueBay I didn't realise you were having a rough time here, I missed those posts. I wish I had some comforting words or advice to share; but there's nothing. It was unforgivable what your mother did. I'm so sorry she didn't give you the response you deserved and needed. I have some similar experiences here too, and I know, it just fu*ks you up.

I've probably asked you this before--I'm a parrot with this question--do you see a psychologist? I never got any validation either and it had this terrible side affect that for a long time I believed what happend was ok, normal, deserved. All based on the response of... my... mother. Ugh, feels terrible writing that. But damn it I'm going to! When I started therapy, he gave me the validation I needed and his reaction to things is what I wished my mothers had been. It's uncomfortable for me still because I spent so long thinking a lot of what was normal, wasn't. And while it's hard to face, it's been incredible having someone (my therapist) help me to see I wasn't weong or bad and the things that happened to me weren't ok or normal. For me, it's something I need constant reassurance with, that the way they have responded, the way they are, isn't ok. For me, going to a friend or someone with this stuff, sure they'd have a normal human reaction and validate my feelings, but I need more than that. One conversation with a friend or even on here isn't enough for me. What I'm trying to say is that you deserve to get that validation that your mother never gave you. And while it isn't the same thing, I'm sorry for what happened to you. You should never have had to endure so much. You deserved a loving and kind family. Your mother was wrong. Your brother was wrong. Your father was wrong. You deserve so much better than what you were given. I'm here for you, as best as I can be.

[saltandpepper]

I'm thinking about confronting one of my abusers. I don't know if it's a good idea or a bad one. There's so much swimming through my head I think I want to do it just to clear some space in my mind. There's too much in there.

I've never been able to say this before, ever, not on here or anywhere, not out loud in therapy. My mother abused me. I struggle to write that, admit it, open myself up to being vulnerable.

I think for years now I've wanted to confront her but I've been too afraid. Afraid to say it out loud, afraid of what will happen. I feel ashamed to say these things. After being in therapy for years, after becoming an "adult", after becoming a parent, I feel like I'm supposed to be better equipped to handle it. But at the core, it feels like I'm still a kid.

Has anyone else confronted an abuser who was a "family member"? Would very much appreciate some guidance... Feeling physically sick as I try and hit post...

[BlueBay]

I'm sorry @saltandpepper  for not responding earlier. Just saw your reply xnd thank you. Yes I've never deserved any of this or the way my mum responded. 
in hindsight I wonder now if I ever should have told her. To get the response I did I'm not so sure. 
Over the years with the help of my psychologist I wrote letters. One letter to each of my abusers. One letter to my mum for how she treated me snd one to my dad for how much I miss and need him. 

my dads letter was hard. I was in hospital writing this one sobbing between writing each word. 

the letters to the abusers - I write one to my uncle and neighbour snd burnt them. 
my brothers I wrote I just left. 

I feel for you I really do. Wish I could give you a hug. Because I know what you're going through. 
I waited and thought about telling my mum for months and months. I thought I was prepared but reality is I wasn't really. I went into child like behaviour. 

Have you tried writing a letter to your mum? I'm sorry Whst your mum did was so wrong. To say it out loud is heartbreaking. I still haven't spoken to my parents about my abuse. They don't want to know. They've swept it under the mat. Never to be mentioned agsin. 

To be honest I'm still afraid to confront my brother. I'm very scared.  So it's still closed up with me. 

It's such a hard one. Snd no one can say what to do. It's a very tough one. 

[saltandpepper]

@BlueBay No need to apologise--I'm not always great responding on here either. That bloody hindsight is a killer isn't it? But look, you were incredibly brave in telling her and that speaks to the strength you have inside of you (child mode or not). And even though her response was hideous, it also helps us to see what she truly is like at her core too. I think I remember a little while ago you were still feeling very controlled by your mother and not feeling free to see your dad. Maybe seeing that at a moment in your life when you needed her to step up, she didn't, she failed. Maybe you can look back on it as she failed, she (if you don't mind me saying) was cold blooded and didn't show love towards you. Maybe that knowledge can be used to help you move out from under her thumb in the present day. Like reassurance every time you want to reach out to your dad, or every time you want to pull away from her? If that makes sense?

I like the concept of writing a letter, and it's something I've tried before, but I just can't manage to write the words. I've probably said I used to do a lot of fiction writing and (without realising it at the time) I used the characters to express what I couldn't say.

Perhaps I should try it again, I mean if I can't even write it out how's it going to go having a conversation? Badly. It'll go badly. A letter would be good, at least I'd have a reference point to go off. Because I know I'll lose track of what I want to say and it'll just become a shit show. But maybe it doesn't matter?

What I really want is to hit the self destruct button and have her out of my life for good--yep, she still has contact with me despite what she's done and how much I hate her for it. It's that inner child, still hoping, still yearning, keeping me from doing what I want to do now. Even my therapist supports me in saying I don't have to talk to her, I don't have to return her calls, I can let go. He constantly assures me that I have every right to be free from her, but that inner child... Neither of us are benefiting from her contact, inner child or adult me, we're both suffering for it, so why is it so hard to do what's best for me here? Part of me still feels like I'm wrong, I'm bad, I deserved it... That's probably that inner child again. So many conflicting feelings inside of me, and in my head I'm thinking if I can get her out of my life that inner conflict will stop. But maybe it won't? It won't change what happened... I don't know what I should do, but I know what I want to do, just not sure if I'm capable of it.

Hey thanks for responding @BlueBay I wasn't sure about posting, and you've given me that reassurance, makes it a little easier to open up. Thank you

[BlueBay]

Glad i could help a little @saltandpepper 

oh i definitely get that 'inner child' - scared, lonely, vulnerable 

i have that also especially when it comes to my mum

i def still yearn for that love, hug, support but i know i won't get it from her

but it still hurts

def know what you're going through

good luck with the letter writing

if you want to chat more i am happy to

we can help each other xxoo

[saltandpepper]

Cheers @BlueBay and same to you too, here if you ever need a chat