Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SJT63]

@Carlachris @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 @Anastasia @WinstonOBoogie 

Partners who stay for the long haul. Surely here I will find support?

I'm getting heartily sick and tired of people telling me that the answer is to leave. I am getting heartily sick and tired of a society that constantly bombards us with the idea that we should put "self" at the centre of all things. Most of all I am exhausted by EVERYONE constantly demanding I justify why I stay.

Most are aware I think that I "gave" Mr S my pshychologist because I felt he would get on with her and she was willing to bulk bill him. A few weeks ago she referred me to a trusted colleague to help me and I finally saw this new one on Friday.

I told her a bit about my situation, I believe my previous P had briefed her a bit too, and explained that I needed some better coping strategies. I needed to learn not to take on board the hurtful things he says (because deep down I know he doesn't mean them) and to stand up for myself a little more effectively with him. Specifically how to deal with standing up to someone with such complex mental health issues because under normal circumstances I am quite forthright but its going to take more finesse to convey my feelings and requests to Mr S.

In a nutshell she told me that if I wasn't prepared to leave him she couldn't help. That if I was asking her to help me turn myself into some sort of robot that didn't feel, she would not. I came away, once again, feeling that it's all my fault for staying in the first place... but FFS someone has to care for him. People with MI have just as much right to be in a loving relationship as anyone else, don't they?

I cannot make anyone, even this Dr Whatsername, understand that I have made a commitment, not just to Mr S but to his sons and to his parents. I can't just "change my mind" because I'm unhappy. 

I have enjoyed a few weeks of a little less bullying since I told how afraid I am sometimes, but he's been growing more manic each day for the past week and by the weekend we were back to full blown rages.

So listen up, everyone, please...... I CANNOT LEAVE HIM. That would destroy him. I know he's not going to change, I'm not an idiot... .... and on Sunday I did get away with refusing to do something (if not illegal then immoral) that he wanted me to do to someone. Of course I was told I was putting our relationship in jeapardy by refusing to "do as I'm told" but I didnt' do it.

By the time I'd dealt with that from 4am to 7am and then drove him 3 hours down to see his mother, provided their lunch, and the drove 3.5 hours (more traffic) back home again he was calm. Greatful for my efforts and telling me we were ok again. By lunchtime today I am ok again too.

I'm just angry and frustrated that everyone's solution to this if for me to bail out. Surely there is a way to find a positive outcome for everyone? Surely I can desensitise without losing my entire personality?

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am hearing you @SJT63  and I truly understand.  

I stood by my ex for ten years of increasing coercive control and devaluing emotionally abusive behaviour believing it to be a consequence of his mental illness - at the time thinking it was "just" an eating disorder - and I would be there still if he hadn't undermined me, betrayed me, and discarded me, for exactly the reasons you have given.   Somebody needs to tend to them ..... but the illness I thought it was was just the top of the iceberg, and ultimately the choice was taken away from me.

I even had a gp ask me, "if it's that bad, why don't you just leave ??" ..... as if I could, with kids trauma-bonded in there before I knew what any of it actually was ....... 

If your decision is to stay I totally respect that, and encourage you to focus on boundaries, deal-making and consequences.  Some mental illnesses result in highly transactional states of being, but only you will know if that is where your hubby is at.

Also ..... self-care ...... bucketfuls of it ...... apply like antedote to injuries and distress ..... take care of you, make space for you ...... ❣️

[Carlachris]

SJT63....I "Get it"...... we are in a similar boat. Long story short my hubby has the same anger issues. Hair trigger. We had a doozy on holiday for 3 nights in Torquay last week. The Covid restrictions ala' big hotel we were staying at started it all over the top unsettling. It just got escalated to the point of get in the car I'm taking you home....11 pm. 3 hr drive. .....NO ONE WAS GOING TO HELP....so we got in the car and went. By this time he was full blown panic agoraphobic. But of course not bad enough for help if I turned up at a hospital to be turned away. Too hard basket but not suicidal so no help. Like you I am not going to leave him.

what a joke that the advice you were given was so poor. We both know that was wrong. I was given similar advice by a P a week before Christmas but that was just a money making exercise for a new clinic and I was a number on their client base so told them to stick it and their crackpot expertise and shove it where the sun don't shine. 
The only advice I have after 14 yrs of going through this is DONT ENGAGE WITH THE RAGE. Wait till it passes. It's not easy to do but for me it works. I can protect myself emotionally and wait till he calms down and then still be there for each other. When the alternative is homelessness I choose my home, my bed and my beautiful but mixed up husband who needs love and support not abandonment to a broken system. I have boundaries set and they get crossed sometimes have to reset when needed.

I wish you strength and calmness and perseverance to ride the roller coaster. I'm there with you. Big hugs. Just wanted you to feel I understand you are not alone. 🌷

[Corny]

The problem is @SJT63 that health professionals are bound by mandatory reporting laws. And not every person in society has agency. Children are powerless and rely on such protections. And your original post was titled, "I think I may be done", its a little confusing.

When I was younger I was a door mat of a person and I tirelessly supported everyone around me because I was taught in childhood if I didn't there would be grave consequences & daily threats, regardless of if they were in an abusive relationship or not, and my health suffered.

In the end I realised I was an enabler. People like me made it easier for them to stay. I could squeeze their hand and make them a cup of tea. And I made it easier for them to put children and young people at risk. I refuse to turn my back on innocent children, and there is a very fine line between mental illness and abuse. I lived at that intersection most of my life, amongst the grey. I'm sure there are many people out there just like you, but I just wanted to point out the mandatory reporting laws, hope you don't take offence. Not everyone is over 18, maybe you lack life experience in this age bracket and can only see it from an adults perspective who is very invested in their role as a carer. Best, Corny.

[TideisTurning]

It sounds like you've been through a great deal @Corny. I appreciate you sharing that, and some of the lessons you've learned around mandatory reporting laws etc. Everyone is on their own journey, and it's important to respect that.  

[SJT63]

@Carlachris thank you so much for your support and encouragement. "Don't engage with rage" needs to become my mantra too. I'm glad to hear that, for the most part, it is working for you. "my beautiful but mixed up husband"... yes, that.

We had nice evening last night. The boys had cancelled their regular Monday night dinner with us so I wasn't in a rush when I got home and, with a clearer head, I simply spent time with him instead of getting straight on with their dinner. His bedroom plans worked out this time so he slept well, which meant I slept well.

Does yours get calmer and calmer the closer you get to home? I'm sure mine's Sunday morning meltdown was partly brought on because he knew we were going to be out for hours even though it was him that wanted to go. Homelessness isn't an issue as it's my house (and he still owns his) but I'm sure he'd end up getting arrested the first time he went to Woollies by himself and couldn't find something.

Your words are so kind and so en pointe - I cannot thank you enough xoxox

[Corny]

@SJT63 @TideisTurning 

I think that Sane needs to decide if they believe that mental illness is synonymous with abuse, or it isn't.

Thank you to all the partners and complicit bystanders out there that say that it is. And little ones should just suck it up.

Corny

[SJT63]

@Corny I can tell by your words that you are very concerned for the vulnerablility of children and I applaud that. I want to reassure you that when I speak about my own children, or his children, they are not young. They are our "children" but they are adults. Mine are ten years older than his, settled with their own partners, and do not live nearby.

His youngest is a little under 18 and his two boys choose to spend time with their father several times a week, possibly because I cook nice meals and mum doesn't really cook at all. Young men are oft ruled by their stomachs. Both know that they can talk to me about anything, including their father, and often  confide in me.

The brothers have a close relationship with each other and visit us in their own car so they are never trapped. Both are much, much bigger than their father and are not physically intimidated by him. They have not lived with him since they were toddlers because their mother shared your concerns for their mental wellbeing. I understand completely why she felt the need to divorce him and I know I would have done the same in her situation. 

I apologise for having triggered a response in you that was obviously distressing and even when the boys were a little younger (I've known them all about 3 years) their mother and I would make judgements about whether the boys were emotionally safe to come over, or not. I took them home to mum a few times when their father was becoming irrational, but they seem to see and understand the difference between normal dad and BP dad. He loves his boys so deeply that he usually keeps things under control around them, often taking his frustrations out on me behind the scenes instead. I see that as a small price to pay to have the man and his sons enjoy a happy relationship.

The original thread "I think I might be done" was started several months ago, when he threw me out of my own house for the second time. Sometimes people tag me there and I respond. I have calmed down again since then. He has had a change of meds. I've come back to "partners who stay" because at the moment I'm no longer entertaining ideas about leaving. 

I have always received sound advice and compassion on this thread.

Thank you for taking the trouble to make sure that I wasn't inadvertently putting any young people at risk by my own actions. I too would never do that.

Kind regards, S.

[SJT63]

@Corny 

our letters crossed in the mail... I hope the response I just posted makes more sense of my situation for you

there are no little ones involved.. I would never ever ever put children at risk... I speak only for myself

[Faith-and-Hope]

I agree wholeheartedly with the "don't engage with the rage", and it was a stance that I took.  

I think if I could have safely left, I would have, but mine was one of those situations where it was safer to stay - cameras, tracking, digital and financial control, adult kids who were trauma-bonded and would not have left with me  and I couldn't leave behind ..... he is still a major threat to one VIA THE LEGAL SYSTEM !!!   The thing that really held me in indecision was the belief that he couldn't possibly have been the person he actually is, and is flaunting himself to be now ..... but MI's are different and we all have massive pros and cons to weigh up as we try to make the hardest decisions of our lives ..... 

I can't fully imagine the horror you have survived @Corny, and I appreciate so much that it makes you a powerful ambassador for other children ..... and so glad there are not children involved for you @SJT63 ..... ours were weaponised as emotional hostages, which is very clear in hindsight, but inconceivable in the moment.